Ask Audrey: Living out of a north Cork horse box will be all the rage in 2019

Ask Audrey, Cork’s favourite agony aunt, peers into the new year with predictions for an end to the British monarchy and to taking digs at Norries.

I can’t wait for 2019. I’m sure I speak for everyone in Ballinlough when I say my new year’s wish is a price crash for top-end property on Leeside, so we can finally cash in and make our move to heaven (Sunday’s Well, the Blackrock Rd, and the flat parts of Douglas except that bit by Nemo).

The 2019 must-have in Cork is a George Ezra ticket for his June concert in Irish Independent Park (does anyone actually call it that?).

My sources tell me tickets are changing hands for €500 a pop — they also tell me it would be twice that if the gig wasn’t in Ballyphehane.

Posh Cork couldn’t possibly sing along to ‘Paradise’ while surrounded by council houses

Am I the only one who can see where Brexit is going to end up? It’s clear with this whole backstop thing that all of Great Britain is going to end up in a United Ireland by mistake. Hilaire.

Some say this will be hard to sell in the Brexit heartlands. I say not as long they put up ads on public transport saying “We is all Oirish now, innit” (the English will go for anything as long as it’s written on a bus). But this United Ireland and Britain is bad news for the royal family.

The end of the monarchy means they’ll have to find an alternative to doing nothing all day and marrying unsuitable Americans. I don’t want to seem unkind, but if Prince Harry becomes Just Harry, his wife will be become his ex. Are you honestly telling me there isn’t a clause in the pre-nup to cover just that?

The southside is buzzing with talk of heading off to Japan for the Rugby world Cup.

The northside is buzzing with talk of breaking into their posh houses while they’re away.

Actually, that’s the last dig I’ll be having at the Norries. My solicitor has predicted that I’ll need to cut back on the hate speech for 2019, unless I want to spend half of it in court.

Don’t bother asking me who’s going to win the World Cup — the only thing I know about rugby is that it gives Cork people an actual reason to go to Limerick.

What I do know is the Japanese people put a huge value on behaving properly in public — so we’ll see what they make of Hoggy and Reggie after 14 bottles of sake.

If you’re reading, lads, I hear that sitting opposite “a pair of stunners” on a bullet train and roaring “mister can you tell me where my love has gone, she’s my Japanese girl” is actually considered the opposite of polite.

Back here, 2019 marks the centenary of the War of Independence.

I hear the crowd above in Dublin are spending a fortune to cover up the fact that the British Empire was beaten by 14 browls from West Cork

(I’d be amazed if Michael Collins got as much as a walk-on part)

In economic news, 50% of multinationals will leave Cork due to staffing issues, because the only property for rent on Daft is the left hand side of a horse-box in Boherbue (queues to view reached Mallow).

The city council will go into emergency session for four days to tackle the issue and emerge four days later with a plan to pedestrianise the whole city. (They love a traffic ban in City Hall, along with a nice big wall to make sure we can’t see the river.)

Back to Brexit for a second in terms of tourism. The servant class in England won’t be able to afford trips to Spain any more, and will end up searching closer to home for a tacky seaside town with slot machines. So, finally a bit of good news for Youghal.

My Posh Cousin asked what I expect to be on-trend for cocktails next year.

I said drinking loads of them and being poured into a taxi on MacCurtain St (please drink responsibly).

She said no, what drink will become trendy? I said whiskey. She said, with what? I said, a visiting Italian businessman in a city centre hotel. #NoStrings.

Global warming is set to be a big issue again, particularly if you own a business selling barbecues and garden furniture. We all remember drinking rosé out the back last year, until around 9pm, after which everything became a blur.

The long-term predictions for next summer all say the same thing — that it’s easy to set up a weather forecast website and predict any old shite that comes into your head. #FakeWeather.

Back to sport before I go.

My GAA insider tells me the Cork senior hurlers are going to revolutionise the game next year, focusing on short hand-passes and kicks.

I said is that tactical? She said no economic, the money for hurleys has been reallocated to pay for Páirc Uí Chaoimh. Doubt ya.

That’s it for another year.

My best wishes to you and your family for 2019, unless of course, you come from Limerick.