Sex advice with Suzi Godson: My wife wants to use sex toys — is she having an affair?

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. Recently she has started suggesting that we try new things, such as bringing sex toys into the bedroom and trying new positions. I’ve heard this can be a sign that someone is having an affair — should I be worried?

You are right about the fact that people in the early stages of an affair often become more experimental with their primary partner. Low levels of fear and anxiety can heighten arousal, so a secret sexual relationship can increase the appetite for sex.

Although infidelity causes chaos in the long term, in the early stages of a new affair, a woman can feel sexually and emotionally appreciated and they often lose weight too. (Of course, I’ve seen the same thing happen with men.) That heady combination of feeling wanted and looking better makes them more confident, and if their original relationship is relatively sound and the affair is opportunistic, it is not uncommon for someone who is being unfaithful to overcompensate at home as a way of alleviating guilt.

For a period of time, they can play the home and away sides simultaneously, until the deceit eventually catches up with them. As it always does.

However, in this case, I don’t think your wife is having an affair. The reason I don’t think you need to worry is because you only mention a change in her sexual behaviour. If she was cheating, there would be other, much more obvious indications. She would be going out more. She would have a new hobby that got her out of the house, or she would have joined a yoga class or a gym. It would all be justifiable and you would find it hard to put your finger on precisely what it was that had changed, but you would somehow sense that she was hiding something from you. If she was having an online relationship, she would be staying up late to “do a few things on the computer” and coming to bed after you. Whether the affair was on, or offline, she would be receiving more texts and be much more protective of her phone. If any of this rings alarm bells you need to confront her.

Although it may feel surprising to you, there is nothing particularly suspicious about a woman who has been married for 12 years wanting to rev up her love life. In fact, I would have thought that her new-found enthusiasm for sex would be hugely welcome. Even if you previously considered your sex life to be satisfying, there’s no reason that it couldn’t become even more exciting and passionate. As for where she got the inspiration, perhaps she spoke to a friend, or even read this column.

I have previously written fairly comprehensive guides to buying a vibrator here and it may have inspired her to give them a try. If you have never used them with each other before I would certainly encourage you to give them a try. Vibrators can turbo-charge female sexual arousal and are fun to use together. Research has also shown that female vibrator users have higher libidos, more satisfying sex lives, and more reliable orgasms.

The best female sex toys are pricey because they are design-led and use cutting-edge technology. The Japanese brand Tenga is probably the most aesthetically pleasing and the Tenga Iroha Sakura is a classic. If you want to experiment with G-spot stimulation Je Joue’s G-Kii can be curved into different shapes at the touch of a button. Most sex toys aimed at men are much less appealing — as they are less popular, they have not developed to the extent that female vibrators have, and are often very primitive.

Ordering sexy treats online will turn this into a mutual adventure and sharing new sexual experiences with each other will help to strengthen your emotional bond and heighten intimacy.

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