Lindsay Woods: I have turned to these lists as a form of security blanket

I like a good barometer. No, not the scientific instrument used in meteorology to measure atmospheric pressure. More the ones that allude to ‘What’s hot’ and ‘What’s not’. Or, ‘Heating Up’ and ‘Cooling down’, writes Lindsay Woods.

I’ve loved them for as long as I can remember. Back as far as the ‘Just Seventeen’ or ‘Bliss’ days when not only did they enable the utter boyband rivalry that was Take That v East 17 by placing them on alternate ends of the barometer weekly but, also because depending how who was indeed ‘hot’, you were treated to a pull-out poster of same. In case you wondered, Take That still reign supreme. I polled Instagram and they said so. Stand down Janet.

In recent years, I have turned to these lists as a form of security blanket. So as to convince me that I still have my finger on the pulse per say. It might be a tepid pulse but I like to think I’ve still got it. Those Balenciaga trainers however say otherwise. I push 5’ 2” on a good day. I also have a big head. Therefore, wearing the equivalent of a balloon injected with insulating foam on my feet does nothing to reduce the sphere like proportions as a result. It does not mean I ‘heart’ them any less. It does mean that I can acknowledge the hilarity of my appearance and know when it’s best to appreciate rather than inhabit certain trends.

I also adore these menus of taste particularly for their language hybrids. I love a bit of word frippery at the best of times. ‘Instagothic’, the new Instagram food trend noted for its sumptuous yet gloomy images. Think sitting at Caravaggio’s kitchen table for your bowl of Corn Flakes. Or on the opposite end of the barometer you have the worrying trend of ‘mini-moons’. Yes, you guessed it, a honeymoon is not sufficient any longer. You now need a ‘mini-honeymoon’ prior to jetting off on your actual honeymoon. I’m eye-rolling with you.

Yet, I still cannot quit these lists of sorts. Indeed, I find it increasingly difficult to quit most lists nowadays. A list denotes order. It says, ‘I am organised, capable and will indeed remember to have the money for the school tours in on the agreed date!’ Nay, by the power of the list, I may have said monies deposited on the day before the agreed date!

Yet that is where the list fails me. It assures me with a false sense of confidence. Like the Balenciaga trainers.

I begin to get cocky. Even smug. That’s when it all begins to go south. Deep South. This happens at approximately the same time each year. Just before the school holidays. The list gets longer as it appears everyone needs something. School tour fees, consent forms for extra curriculars for September along with a multitude of deposits to ‘secure’ same. Birthday party invites increase and there is at any given stage one child looking for ‘two euro’ for something or other.

Then there is the sunflower which has given me next level anxiety for the last number of months in attempting to keep it alive. This now needs to be returned to the school to be assessed. My husband has taken to mixing whey protein into the super strength feed he has been spraying it with to enhance its performance. If it started growing muscles and refused anything but a pipe and spinach it would not come as any great surprise. The progress of the sunflower is top of the list currently.

All this before I even start the ‘Holiday List’. I refuse to watch the YouTube lady this year. Wily temptress that she is.

Waxing lyrical about a label maker is all well and good until you see the prices of refill tape. Or you want to reuse the container you’ve labelled. And what is with labelling clear jars? I can see there’s pasta/rice/soap/your sanity in there Janet! Surely you can too? I am also avoiding any posts with the hashtags ‘Mom Hacks’, ‘Top Tips’, ‘Mamarazzi’ or ‘Making Memories’. Actually, all of that just bumped the sunflower down the list.

If anything, the above highlights how much lists do not in fact work for me. They just make me more anxious and inept. So, I think I’ll just stick to perusing the ‘Hot’ and ‘Not’ ones while silently judging anyone who falls into the latter. If all else fails in regards to attempting a ‘Holiday List’, I may just purchase a hammock and throw the whole lot of them into it in the back garden. Hammocks are having a moment right now. I should know; the list told me.

- Lindsay is on Instagram @thegirlinthepaper