Lindsay Woods: Let me tell you about my pal and confidante Pollyanna

It’s time to tell you about Pollyanna. We’ve known each other for well over a year now. She’s a stand-up gal, always there for you (literally) and a great listener. She is also a stuffed dummy. Who sits astride a bicycle day in, day out. An ever-smiling sentry. Guardian of the bad bend in the road, writes Lindsay Woods.

Lindsay Woods: Let me tell you about my pal and confidante Pollyanna

It’s time to tell you about Pollyanna. We’ve known each other for well over a year now. She’s a stand-up gal, always there for you (literally) and a great listener. She is also a stuffed dummy. Who sits astride a bicycle day in, day out. An ever-smiling sentry. Guardian of the bad bend in the road, writes Lindsay Woods.

When we moved back from Scotland a number of years ago, we bought our house based upon some of the following: good commuter links; a broad range of schools in the area if we decided to have children, and a nice little view of the water which did not hurt the matter either.

I was raised in an area ripe with eccentrics; stories of which would need far more than the space on this page to do them justice. However, unbeknownst to me at the time, it appeared I had swapped one such area for a relatively similar one. One night prior to hosting friends for dinner, we ventured out for supplies. On turning at the crossroads, my husband exclaimed,

“Did you see that? I think it’s… yep, it actually is. Turn around.”

So, I turned the car to view what had so piqued his interest.

We both sat slack-jawed in the car.

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Yep. It’s a mannequin. Sitting in a row boat. Wearing a GAA jersey and helmet.”

“What is the thing attacking the boat? I can’t really make it out?”

“It’s a shark. Made from tin cans.”

Soon after, I became aware of the existence of Pollyanna. On first seeing her I was struck by her resemblance to Aunt Sally (a character from the ’80s kids TV show, Worzel Gummidge). It speaks volumes of me as a person that the similarity between the two was my first thought; not of the fact that there was indeed a dummy stationed at the bend in the road bedecked in full blown Victoriana.

Beguiled by her charms I took to Instagram to garner more information in relation to the obvious penchant for mannequins in the area. What unfolded via the messages I received was a veritable love story of Gone with the Wind proportions.

Firstly, I was advised that my ‘Aunt Sally’ was in fact, Pollyanna. Her beau, the resident in the row boat, was called Timmy. The Pollyanna that I now knew was also not the original; she was a reincarnation of the original. The story went along the lines of the following…

Allegedly, the owner of Pollyanna had been requested to remove her by the local council, being cited as a distraction of sorts to motorists. Shortly after, Pollyanna disappeared. Swiftly followed by Timmy; who’s absence was filled… by an inanimate tiger. Pollyanna the 2nd (also the present-day version) made her grand return to her two-wheeled mode of transportation thereafter, resplendent in a wedding gown complete with a cathedral length veil wrapped jauntily around the handlebars.

I like to think that both Pollyanna and Timmy, tired of their enforced separation, made the joint decision to elope and solidify their commitment once and for all. The reality, and a far more plausible situation however, is that Pollyanna, bedecked in an ensemble to rival Carrie Bradshaw’s in her first attempt to march Big up the aisle, caught a glance of Timmy still wearing that GAA jersey awaiting her entrance and thought to herself:

“Hell to the naaaah!”

She then took her bridesmaids on the honeymoon where they lived their best lives drinking cosmos and wearing covetous ensembles whilst Timmy languished in a local B&B with his hurley and sliotar still none the wiser as to exactly where he had gone wrong.

A new woman, Pollyanna returned to her bike safe in the knowledge that she just wasn’t that into him anyway. Timmy has never returned and shortly after, the tiger disappeared also. Both have not been seen again to this day.

I have conversations with Pollyanna on Instagram on a regular basis. Every so often someone will enquire via DM as to her wellbeing. As the song goes, ‘she’s a pal and a confidante’.

When I advised my husband of the above information and my serious deductions in relation to same he stated:

“I don’t know what’s worse? That you came to this conclusion on your own or that there are others out there like you who enable your behaviour.”

He’s obviously on Timmy’s side, the louse. Pollyanna, meanwhile, is sporting a jaunty floral parasol which I like to think she purchased on a trip to Shanghai with the girls.

- Lindsay is on Instagram @thegirlinthepaper

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We want to help you to connect with the people you love, but may not see, this Christmas.  Every Saturday, in the weeks leading up to Christmas, we will publish your messages in print and online, starting November 28.

Say it here, in the Irish Examiner.