Learning Points: When parents are afraid of their teenage children

Child-to-parent violence is on the increase, and we have to ask ourselves why, writes Richard Hogan

THE brutal attack on a teenage girl in Bangor last week was particularly troubling, not only because the perpetrators were teenagers and known to the victim, but also because they used social media to disseminate a video of the attack, which they recorded. The assault was so ‘vicious and prolonged’ that doctors could not ascertain the severity of the victim’s injures, due to the swelling around her head.

The girl endured a sustained attack, and her head was held under water.

The young girl was lucky to have survived such a brutal attack.

But this type of violence by teenagers is not uncommon. As a systemic psychotherapist, working with families, I have had many conversations with embarrassed parents who are afraid of their teenage son or daughter. This is difficult for them to discuss in the therapeutic setting, because they feel shame.

But there is nothing shameful about being terrified of your child. And this is the case in more houses around this country.

Teenagers often find controlling their emotions problematic. When they sense a perceived threatening situation, they often respond with aggression. However, this can be a child’s way of telling us they are frightened. As parents, we must have the skills to deescalate the situation.

The aggression might take the form of throwing something, slamming a door, shouting, or being silent. However, some parents living with a violent teen feel incredibly isolated and frightened, as they try to avoid any confrontation.

And this is starkly different from the normal tumultuous arguments of adolescence.

I met one couple last year, after the son had beaten up the father. The shame they felt, and the stigma, were very much present in the room. The father had felt disempowered by his son. He was also very worried that his wife might be the next victim. The family was in crisis, because it was experiencing domestic violence. But it’s not the type of violence that gets reported.

Child-to-parent violence is on the increase, and we have to ask ourselves why. What is occurring in our homes and in society that children are turning to violence to express themselves? It is comforting for us to think that violence only belongs to a certain type of person, or that violent episodes occur in a vacuum, but our children learn how to be violent.

There are myriad reasons why a child will resort to violence, but, in my clinical experience, what the child has been exposed to during their formative years will significantly increase the likelihood that they will be violent when they lose control of their emotions. A child growing up in a dysfunctional house, where there has been domestic violence, is far more likely to be aggressive than a child who has grown up in a functioning and loving environment.

In my conversations with teenagers about aggression and violence, I hear them talk about how they feel powerless, frustrated, and invisible. Violence is a way of making themselves big or heard. It’s a way of ensuring that they are seen. We must ask ourselves, as parents and policy-makers, how we can make our children feel more included and valued by society. What is making them desensitised to violence? Could it be that the thing which is meant to connect us, technology, is actually disconnecting us from each other and making us lonely and aggressive?

That is something I often consider, when I hear young adults talking about how frustrated they are with feeling invisible.

Are we more connected, or less connected, to each other, due to the proliferation of technology?

And is this sense of alienation feeding into our children’s explosive reactions when their emotions run high?

Your child’s peer group is incredibly important when it comes to their behaviour. If they are associating with other children who have been exposed to extreme violence and dysfunctionality, which often happens (children have a very good antenna for spotting vulnerability in other children), your child is at risk of becoming involved in anti-social behaviour.

The simple fact remains: we must parent our children, we must vet whom they associate with, and we must make them feel valued and show them how to value themselves, so that they can make the right decision when no-one is looking.

Violence is a particularly disturbing occurrence, especially when children perpetrate it on other children.

But we all have a responsibility to ensure that our children grow up in an ecology that is supportive and inclusive.

In that case in Bangor, it shocked us, because it was a young girl being attacked.

But the violence that was visited on that defenceless girl didn’t just happen that day.

That took many years of mismanagement and neglect, before it found its terrible expression.