Top tips to keep your relationship intact

February and March have little to offer, so turn your thoughts to getting the best out of your relationship, says Pat Fitzpatrick.

Well done, you made it through the big divorce month of January with your relationship intact.

This is no time to get complacent though.

Valentines isn’t far off and we lose a lot of good people trying to navigate through that landmine.

Others split up just for something to do, because February and March in Ireland have very little to offer.

Here’s how to keep things ticking over until spring arrives (in late July.)

Watch First Dates

There should be a good 4 hours worth on the RTÉ Player by now. Let’s just say this show should be called ‘Be Careful What you Wish For.’

Unless your goal is to watch a stranger horsing down a Chicken Supreme, while you wish he’d stop doing that thing with his hair.

If First Dates isn’t enough to keep you with your current partner, then you should get your own show called ‘Staying Together for the Kids.’

Go to Relationship Counselling (Kinda)

A must if you have kids. Here is how it goes. You agree that things aren’t working and arrange a babysitter so you can both discuss your problems in front of stranger with a kind face.

You bring your partner to the counselling office, which turns out to be a room in a local hotel, complete with a bottle of champagne and a do not disturb sign on the door. You have monkey sex up against the wardrobe. (Twice!)

You agree it the best thing you ever did together, mainly because it was cheaper than counselling.

Go Day Dating

Listen up, couples with kids — going on a date at night is so 2017. The stress of getting the kids to bed while trying to persuade your partner she isn’t too old for that dress, is beyond all but the calmest of men. (Particularly if she is too old for that dress. Sweating after that.)

By the time you get to the restaurant, the only thing you want to talkabout is visitation rights, once the separation goes through.

Far better to head out at 2pm and forget for a while that you ruined your perfectly good relationship by having kids.

Because if you both of aren’t half-cut in some back street pub while someone else puts the little shites to bed, you’re doing it all wrong.

Have Sex First

The stress of having sex after a date can often ruin the whole thing. Particularly if you are the kind of guy that keeps checking his watch to see if it’s time to go home and get jiggy with it. Women tend to pick up on that sort of thing.

Far better to get it out of the way early-doors and have sex in the taxi, on the way into town. (Unless you are some kind of prude.) In fairness, the taxi driver will probably be glad of a break from talking about how busy it will be when the clubs close.

And, who knows, with the pressure off, you might even have second helpings when you get home later. (Look at you at it like an Italian.)

Surprise Your Partner

It doesn’t have to be a weekend in Paris, every time, guys. You could do something completely unexpected, like putting on a wool wash without being told to do it.

Crazy, I know, but there is a first time for everything.

The Five Criticisms Rule

Attention ladies — limit yourself to five criticisms of your partner every day. (You can average this out over time, in case one particular time of the month is worse than others. Just saying.) Remember, five isn’t a target.

If your partner is having a near flawless day, there is no need to make up a few gripes just as he is getting into bed.

Unless you think he’s giving you the sexy eye and want to take him down a notch with a spot of criticism. (Works every time.)

Attention, Guys

That’s actually the advice. Pay attention. It would be wrong to say that men have a wandering eye. What we have a is a wandering ear, that can’t hear what our partner says after five years of living with them.

Apparently they’ve been trying to tell us this for years, but you can see the obvious flaw there yourself.

So, listen up for 2018 guys. It will save so much bother.

Fresh Start Hug

Parents will know this one from their toddlers. Here’s how it works. “Ok Jack, I can see you’re stressed by all this fighting, how about we make a fresh start with a hug? Deal?” “Deal.”

Here’s how it works with your partner. “Ok, look, fight over, how about we start again with a hug.” “You can shag-off if you think we’re having make-up sex.” “Ok, forget about the hug.”

The fresh start hug. It probably works better with toddlers, in fairness.

#IBelieveYou

This hashtag has more than one application. At the tail end of flu season, it might be worth believing a man when he tells you he’s sick.

Yes, one or two of us are bound to fake it, at around dish-washer unloading time. But in general, we’re sick.

And sick of being told we’re not.