14 people you'll meet collecting your Leaving Cert Results

Today is Leaving Cert Results Day - the day anxiously anticipated (and dreaded) by students, teachers and parents since June.

But now the wait's almost over, your granny has lit ALL the candles in church (it's actually become a bit of a fire hazard) and you're set to find out your how you did.

Here's our guide to the types of people you're likely to meet throughout the day:

1. Happy Enough Girl

Responds to every query with ‘happy enough’ but won’t divulge her actual results. ‘Did you do ok?’ ‘Happy enough’ ‘Did you get enough points?’ ‘Happy enough’ ‘Are you happy with your results?’ ‘Happy enough’ ‘Will you be home for dinner?’ ‘Happy enough’

Irritating.

2. The Conspiracy Theorist.

Rumours, gossip, conspiracy theories - this is possibly the worst person to be stuck with while waiting to collect your results. He will completely freak out. Don't believe anything he says.

“I heard all of Honours Geography failed.”

“You know if you don’t pass maths, you fail the ENTIRE Leaving Cert.”

You hope to never see them again.

3. Might Have To Repeat Guy

This one is easy to spot. Come 4pm when everyone else has made their calls, shrieked their shrieks, bro-hugged their bros, cried their tears and retired to the beer garden, ‘Might Have to Repeat’ guy is still standing in front of the school, staring at the green slip of paper in his hands and mentally working through the permutations.

To his utter and abject horror, every calculation ends up with the same answer – he might have to repeat.

Let’s leave him in peace. He’ll be there a while

4. The Girl Who Has Been Waiting Outside the School since 5am

She’s been up before the crack of dawn and went STRAIGHT to the school which was - of course - closed. She literally pounced on the principal when he arrived (See No. 7 ) in her eagerness to find out how she did. And of course, it went exactly as she expected – which is extremely well.

“I was positive I failed!!!”

Surrrre you were.

5. The smug 20-year-old who has ‘found themselves in college’

Your friend’s older sibling is just back from her summer inter-railing around Europe and thinks it’s 'so cute’ that you’re nervous about your results and is full of unsolicited pearls of wisdom even though she’s only 18 months older than you.

“Your results mean nothing, if you think about it. I mean I can’t even remember how many points I got... There are SO many more important things to worry about, you know?"

"You’ll understand when you go to college... Have I shown you my new tattoo?"

Yes. Twice. It's terrible.

6. Didn’t Even Study, Still Got 87 A1s Guy

He’s the one who will be on the front page of the local paper next week smugly brandishing his improbably long list of A1 honours and declaring he's astonished at the result as he "didn’t even study".

He’s either going on to do chemistry in Trinners, Computer Science at MIT, or spending the next year yomping around Central America in an attempt to delay the inevitable.

Either way, in four years he’ll be in San Francisco being wined and dined by angel investors as his multi-million dollar tech startup prepares to go public (you know this, because that’s where his brother is now, keeping his seat warm).

You hate him. Because you are jealous of him. And that’s ok. Because we are too.

7. Slightly Nervous Principal

He stands at the door of the school radiating well-meaning bonhomie and throwing ‘best of luck’ around like confetti at a wedding. In reality, the mobile in his pocket has the garda station on speed dial and he never wants to see any of you again. Especially not Might Have to Repeat Guy, whom he is eyeing nervously.

He will not enjoy a pint again until at least mid-September, when the chances of bumping into any of you around town are significantly diminished.

8. Overly-Attached Teacher

There’s always one, maybe two. Here they come, fussing about, congratulating here, consoling there, and treating every B3 like they had sat the exam themselves. You’ll note that the other 23 faculty members are nowhere to be seen, busy as they are wringing every last portion of chips out of their all-in package to Lanzarote and trying not to think about September looming large on the horizon.

Also, Overly-Attached Teacher presents you with one of your first post-school dilemmas – what do you call them? You can’t call them Miss anymore and calling them ‘Joan’ just feels weird (especially if their name is Frances).

Best thing for everybody that they just steer clear.

9. Cannot Control Her Emotions Girl

Alright, we get it. You’re amped up. It’s a big day. But two solid hours of shrieking ‘OMG I GOT TRALEE!!!’ in a voice just a fraction of a decibel below the listener’s pain threshold is helping nobody.

She's also hugging all the teachers - even the ones she didn't have. Which is making them a little uncomfortable.

10. Third Choice Girl

Like, you only put down [Cat Wrangling/Montessori Judo/Loom Band Therapy/Arts] in [Dundalk/Waterford/Carlow/Anywhere that isn’t where you want to go] because you didn’t want to leave a load of blank space on the CAO form.

But suddenly the points for [Accountancy/Software Engineering/Business with German/Arts] have skyrocketed and you are staring [Dundalk/Waterford/Carlow/Anywhere that isn’t where you want to go] in the face.

And it doesn’t look pretty.

11. Social Fixer Guy

Results? What results? SFG hasn’t even opened the envelope – he’s too busy texting to find out what pub everyone is meeting in , what time they’ll be there, who’s getting the gatt and who _might_ have a free gaff for afters. Don’t worry about him – he’ll fit right in at college.

And who cares if it's a Wednesday night in small-town Ireland. Tonight the world is your oyster.

And he's already cracked open his first can of the day.

12. Selfie Girl

Y’know, selfies get a bad rap. Undeservedly so, in our opinion.

But there has to be a sensible limit, and if you have been standing outside the school gates for three hours taking selfies with you (obvs), your friends, any Overly Attached Teachers in the vicinity, Might Have To Repeat Guy in the background and any random passing dogs or cats, it may be time to Put. Down. The. Phone.

‘Memory full’ is God’s way of telling you it’s time to go to the pub. Who are you to argue?

13. Advice Dad

He thinks he’s being helpful with statements like “Your mother and I will always support you, no matter what….

"For six months, anyway.”

He thinks that listing random people who never graduated college will help alleviate your stress. “Bill Gates!” he shouts triumphantly, over cornflakes in the morning. “Roman Abramovich!” he yells, as he bursts into your room at 4 in the morning. “That guy who started Aldi!” he roars, as you push the trolley around behind mammy in Super Valu, hoping you can get away with sneaking in a slab of cans (for the week that’s in it).

He also thinks that not mentioning Results Day will take the pressure off.

“Oh is that today, is it? I’d completely forgotten about that…”

He’s not helping, but you love him for trying.

14. Your Mother

What can we say? She'll be up to ninety. Just leave her at it and go to your happy place.

I hope to God now he gets the points he needs tomorrow. I don't think my nerves couldn't take another June like that.

— Gallivanting With Words out Oct 30th (@irishmammies) August 13, 2013

God speed everyone. We'll see you on the other side.