Thanks for the memory - the wit of Bob Hope

Some of the one-liners over the years which helped to make Bob Hope the incomparable comic that he was:

“I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere in England.”

Explaining why his family emigrated to the USA when he was four.

“It gave dirty politics a bad name.”

On the Watergate affair.

“I always like to go to Washington DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money.”

On touring the US Treasury.

“Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.”

“My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.”

“Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you’re God’s frozen people.”

To GIs based in Alaska.

“Please don’t stand up on my account.”

To a group of amputees.

“I have this terrific make-up man. But he’s expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.”

“The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...”

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

“The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he is really p***** off.”

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”

“It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.”

On travelling in Concorde.

“A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.”

On President Carter.

“Lots of travel, away from home.”

Explaining his long and happy marriage.

“I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.”

At the age of 91.

“I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.”

“Fish don’t applaud.”

On cutting short a cruise his doctor had ordered him to take.

“She’s a swell gal.”

On the Queen.

“If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t come to Vietnam, I’d send for it.”

Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth $500m (€434m).

“Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here – just for me.”

On a visit to Vietnam in 1972.

“Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series.”

“I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.”

In 1964.

“He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England.”

After meeting Prince Charles in 1976.

“Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.”

On hearing about his 1998 knighthood.

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”

“I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

“She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.”

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.”

“When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.”

“Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”

“Eisenhower admitted that the budget can’t be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don’t know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.”

“I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”

“There’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood.”

“If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.”

“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

“I do benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

And what others have said about him:

“At 82, Bob Hope is as funny as he ever was. I just never thought he was that funny in the first place.” Film legend Chevy Chase.

“You get to hang out with Bob Hope.”

Bill Clinton describing the best thing about being elected President.