'The One and Only' is complete garbage

The One and Only

Director: Simon Cellan Jones

Cast: Justine Waddell, Richard Roxburgh, Jonathan Cake, Patsy Kensit

Cert: 15.

Newcastle-upon-Tyne is one of the most exciting cities in the United Kingdom - it doesn't deserve this garbage!

It's the city famous for its lassies wearing nothing more than a lace curtain and a pelmet for their Saturday night out - even when it's blowing an Arctic storm from the raging North Sea. And if you're a bloke and you're found wearing a jacket then you're a wimp!

And then comes this awful film, wearing absolutely nothing worth looking at. It's set in the city - indeed, it's strong on the city's many tourist attractions - but the characters depicted are a charmless lot and the story is as thin as a - well, as a lace curtain.

It's a romance where Roxburgh meets Waddell and falls in love. Meanwhile his awful wife; and then there's a comic-cut Italian footballer who plays for the Toon and who - oh heck, who cares!

Any British film with Kensit in it comes with an automatic enjoyment warning. She can't act - even in films where acting doesn't seem a requirement - and she's a massive turn-off.

The score at half-time is: Newcastle 0, Bad Taste 27!

Star Rating: 0/5.