Ask Audrey: Why can’t they afford subtitles for Daithi O’Se?

Got a problem? Ask Audrey...

How’re oo’ goin on? We have a gentleman from South Carolina staying this week, an African-American no less. We sat down to watch the hurling match last Sunday and didn’t your man start shouting for Waterford, after he spotted a Cork fan with the Confederate Flag above on Hill 16.  I told him there isn’t an ounce of racism in Cork, except maybe against the cousin-marryers back in Kerry, and don’t they deserve it? Anyway, he’s having none of it and things are fierce tense here in the B&B. What can I do?

-Dan Paddy Andy, head up along outside Leap until you see a man reading Roots in the hope of making amends.

I checked with my hurling-mad friend, he’s called No Fault Froggy Boy. He said there’s no real prejudice among Cork hurling fans. I said not even towards Waterford men who talk like they have their head in a barrel of water? No Fault Froggy Boy said no, Cork hurling fans only look down on one group of people. I said who’s that. He said Cork footballers. Ouch.

I can’t stop crying since they gave planning permission for a new Lidl in Douglas. Just imagine, hordes of sleep-deprived carpenters queuing in our village to get their hands on cut-price action slacks. (Most of us are still on medication after they opened a TK Maxx in Douglas shopping centre.) I’m thinking of starting a petition. Do you think it will work?

-Blaithin, Douglas, we spend 3 months of the year in France.

Any chance you could make it 12? I phoned my Posh Cousin, she’ll campaign against anything aimed at people who’ve never eaten hake.  I said is there any organisation to stop this sort of thing. She said you should join NIMB. I said what’s that. She said Not In My Blackrock. I said but the woman lives in Douglas. She said, oh my God, that’s awful. I said Douglas has a lot going for it. She said name one, other than it isn’t Bishopstown. I said good point.

My Rory is starting in Christians in a couple of weeks. Obviously, I’m not going to make a big deal out of this, because Sunday’s Well people are famously modest. (Ha!) Anyway, do you think it might be over the top to fly a plane over Cork with a banner saying, “In your face everyone in school who thought Claire wouldn’t make it, my son is going to Christians and we’ll hardly notice the fees out of our current account.”

-Claire, Sunday’s Well, my doctor thinks I might have anger issues.

Thinks? You’re charmingly retro. There hasn’t been a vicious banner like that over Cork since 1994, when one circled over Ballinlough saying, “Audrey came home with no knickers.” (I went all out for my debs.) The only way to boast these days is with a volley of passive-aggressive hashtags on Facebook. Throw up a photo of Rory in his uniform, followed by #SoProud #CostingFortune #SecondMortage #NoHolidaysForUsNextYear #OnlyMessing #5StarResortCorsica #KenOnSixfigures #NotLowSixFiguresEither #InCaseYouAreWondering

C’mere girl, I logged into LinkedIn the other day and found that my ex from college has looked at my profile 43 times in one week. I got my buddy at work to look at her profile, and it turns out she do be owning a biotech company worth 73 million euro. Kerching, like. I was on the verge of breaking it off with my current old doll, when the buddy at work said my ex had contacted him and now they’re off to Ibiza tomorrow for a dirty weekend!!! The snakiness of it, like. Am I too late? Paul, Ballyvolane, the current old doll knows nothing.

-Paul, Ballyvolane, the current old doll knows nothing.

Obviously, if she’s going out with you. I don’t think you can do much about this now. You’d have a better chance of finding a metro station in Boherbue. It’s very dangerous to get someone else to do your stalking on social media. I said to a male acquaintance once, is there any chance you could get me half an hour with Simon Zebo? He said, is there any chance you could ask someone other than your husband.  My Conor is very sensitive about these things.

Hello. I’m third in line to be Viscount of Wiltshire and struggling through my holidays, in your miserable little country. As we speak I am in West Kerry, where the weather is diabolical. I have yet to form a reliable opinion of the locals as I haven’t a clue what the blighters are saying. Could you, perhaps, help?

-Henry De Quince, Wiltshire, I’m rather a big fan of Brexit.

So am I, if it keeps people like you at home. We’ve lived with West Kerry people for centuries and we still haven’t a clue what they’re saying. This will be highlighted next week, when a West Kerry man presents the Rose of Tralee. (It’s a beauty pageant for plain looking Americans.) It’s amazing they spend all that money on the show and still can’t afford subtitles for Dáithí O ‘Sé.