Tell her not to worry. Defence analysts have simulated the effects of dropping a 100 Megaton bomb on Dunmanway, and the overall result would be a slight improvement. If she is looking for something to worry about, tell her there is a man an hour away who thinks the fairies might have caused a dip on the road between Cork and Killarney. I rang my cousin in Kenmare to find out what she thinks of Danny Healy-Rae. She said I can’t think of anything more embarrassing. I said except maybe having relations in Kerry, and hung up. (You don’t want to give them any encouragement.)
You’ve probably never tried afternoon sex with a hangover. Talk about being in heaven. The first thing you’ll notice after Waterford is that Cork people are slow to keep livestock in the house. (Particularly on the southside.) Mind you, the afterlife is always a hard sell on Leeside because it’s impossible to convince the locals they don’t already live in paradise. I was trying to describe heaven to my six- year-old nephew the other day. He said that sounds like Fitzgerald’s Park, if you banned all the Norries. I said, you’re learning quickly.
My condolences. You are right about one thing, though. It’s a very strange time in politics. People thought they had seen it all, with Brexit and Trump. And now here’s a group of people who want to hold on to Ballincollig! That’s harder to understand than a man from Belfast on his second pint. I was sitting next to one on the train from Dublinrecently. I said how about ye, to show a bit of sympathy for his hilariousaccent. He said, och, onlay day bayst and dat dare like. I said, wow, someone who makes less sense than Danny Healy-Rae. He said, that’s vvray hayrsh, so taz.
Not soon enough, Reggie. Posh Cork is weeping into its gin and tonic, with all this pretending to like hurling. I checked with Irish Rail and there is actually a carriage set aside for outrageous snobs suffering from delusions of grandeur. (No offence. Although you probably think that’s a compliment). To show the carriage is Norry free, there is a red line going through a cartoon-man on the window who’s saying, “I do beaddicted to white socks”.
That’s like saying I’m fairly sophisticated when you consider I’m from Kanturk. I think the best thing to say to her is “Fancy a drink with a tongue-tied creep?” All she can say is “no”, followed by “leave now and I won’t call security.”