Sex advice with Suzi Godson: I’ve been faking my orgasms with new boyfriend

If you learn to talk about your sex life now, you will both be reaping the benefits for years to come, says Suzi Godson.

Q. I have been seeing my new boyfriend for two months. I enjoy having sex with him, but I have got into the habit of faking orgasms to please him.

If I tell him now, he’ll be hurt, or horrified, but if I suddenly stop having them, he’ll wonder what is wrong. What should I do?

A. In the early stages of any relationship everyone is trying to put their best foot forward.

When it comes to sex, this can be problematic, because the desire to be the best version of yourself makes it difficult to reveal aspects of yourself that you perceive as idiosyncratic or different.

Orgasm is a prime example. It tends to take a lot longer for a woman to reach orgasm with a new partner because she doesn’t yet feel completely at ease.

It is primarily a problem of timing and stress, but no matter how much she fancies him, or how good the sex feels, a woman’s arousal trajectory is likely to be slower than a man’s.

When your partner was ready to climax, but you didn’t feel that orgasm was imminent, you made a split-second decision to fake your orgasm.

At the time I’m sure that it genuinely seemed like the best solution. The trouble with this simple act is that it set a precedent, and that means in future he will be confused as to why it worked once and then hasn’t since.

Statistics vary, but it has been shown that in heterosexual partnered sex, a woman generally has one orgasm to every three that her male partner has.

This inequity used to be explained in terms of male ignorance, but there are often other problems that can include a lack of confidence, which is not uncommon.

In their research, published in 2013, the psychologists Claire Salisbury and William Fisher (both from the University of Western Ontario) found women were often reluctant to request clitoral stimulation, or engage in self-stimulation during intercourse because they were afraid that their partner would feel incompetent, or would judge them.

They also believed that their own orgasm was more important for their partner’s ego than it was for their satisfaction.

The men in the study, however, said that they wished women would ask for, and engage in, clitoral stimulation during intercourse because it was a turn-on and an opportunity to find out what their partner enjoyed.

It is always easier to be honest from the start, and you are right, admitting that you have been faking it may create some temporary uncertainty.

However, it is the only way that you will be able to liberate yourself psychologically, so you can pursue the (far better) alternative. If you continue to hide the truth, it won’t make any difference to your boyfriend. Instead, you will be compromising your own pleasure.

If you are constantly worried about faking your orgasm, you won’t relax. Any form of anxiety only increases the likelihood that you will never experience the real thing with him.

It won’t be easy, but if you make it clear that it is not his fault and admit that you were just desperate not to disappoint him, he will understand.

If you learn to talk about your sex life now, you will both be reaping the benefits for years to come— and learning how to have an honest dialogue can only be a good thing.

By broaching this subject with your boyfriend now, you will also be giving him the privilege of helping you to achieve your first genuine orgasm together, and any upset he feels at the point of disclosure will evaporate the minute you reach that point.

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