Ask Audrey: 'Please have a shower, you don’t want people thinking you’re from Clonmel.'

Got a dilemma? No problem! Ask Audrey has all the answers.

Ciao. I have fallen in love with a Cork woman at work. I think about her all day, even when I am out with one of my six girlfriends, or at home with my wife. I would very much like to bring this girl on a surprise day out.

She keeps talking about something from her childhood called the merries. What are these merries?

– Gianluca, Pisa and Cork, my jeans are slightly too tight.

Tricky, considering the number of times you have to take them off. The answer to your question is in my book about Cork, it’s called De Merries Were De Berries. The merries are where you go in Crosshaven, if you don’t own a yacht.

There is also one for people in Youghal who don’t own a yacht, which is everybody. It’s traditional for posh Cork to go to the merries once every summer and say it’s terrible the way times have changed, and then leave after five minutes because every second person is from Ballyphehane.

How’re oo’ goin on? The cousin is back from Birmingham and didn’t he give me a few of the blue pills to improve things on the bedroom front. Niagara, he said they’re called.

Anyway, I’m planning to pop a few during the Late Late so I can surprise the wife during the ads. What do you think of that now?

– Din Dan Dave, head north out of Bantry until you see a man selling fax machines.

You should warn her beforehand. She probably won’t have seen you this excited since Gina, Dale Haze and The Champions played in Ballinascarty. The other problem is your plan to do this during the Late Late.

I happen to know it’s impossible for a woman to get turned on in front of Ryan Tubridy. Unless you reckon you can get it all done and dusted during the ads, in which case you have something in common with my Conor.

Good day to you. One is considering a trip over to Cork next week to see the refurbished work on your English Market.

Could you advise how one should avoid what you might call the common man?

– Phillip D’Ponceville, London, I believe my father owns half of Waterford.

There’s a handy thousand euro if he ever decides to sell up. We have a hierarchy of entrances to the market. People who are familiar with the inside of a Range Rover will only ever use the Prince’s Street entrance.

That’s so they can avoid the Norries, who use the Grand Parade side because it’s handy for the stalls that sell skirts and kidneys.

If you’re not familiar with skirts and kidneys, then lucky you.

They are only slightly less disgusting than working in a launderette in Kilmallock. My handyman from Farranree told me they aren’t too bad after a feed of drink. I said neither is sleeping with a bus driver, but that doesn’t make it right.

Myself and my fiancée are kind of up ourselves and we are thinking of banning mobile phones from our wedding, like Rory McIrory did last weekend?

Do you think people will mind?

– Stephanie, Ballincollig, we’re arriving by helicopter.

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You’re as classy as a game of darts in Ballybunion. I think what Rory did to his guests at the wedding was very offensive. It was bad enough making them go to Mayo. I went to Westport once for a conference and it was like Killarney with ugly people.

(Say what you will about Kerry men, but I’d crawl over a naked Michael Fassbender to get at the really good looking ones.)

Apparently banning phones is a thing now for society weddings in Cork. My posh cousin was at one recently (Ballymaloe), where there was a phone ban for the bit in the church — Honan, where else?

I said did it make any difference? She said she wouldn’t have minded a game of Candy Crush during the sermon. I said how did you pass the time? She said she scanned around the male guests and played a game of ‘Pres or Christians’ in her head. You’re never stuck for something to do in Posh Cork.

Hi, I work in a call-centre and I have a problem with the girl who sits next to me. The problem is she could do with a shower.

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What is the best way to get my message across?

– Nicola, Togher, the girl is from Mitchelstown.

That’s weird. I find people from North Cork are usually mad for hygiene, to make up for their plain looks and verging-on Tipperary accents.

Have you considered leaving a post-it on her computer saying, “Please have a shower, you don’t want people thinking you’re from Clonmel.” That worked very well for me when I left a similar note on a colleague’s desk.

It read, “Please have a shower with me, I’m free Thursday night.” You should have seen the shoulders on him.

If you enjoyed this, don’t miss Feelgood, in Friday’s Irish Examiner! Take a sneak peek inside...