Ask Audrey: You’re in Kerry. No one will notice if you thump your chest and roar “Me You Sex Now!”

Ask Audrey has been sorting out the people of Cork for years.

My daughter came and told us the one thing that no self-respecting parent wants to hear — she’s going to take up camogie. Sure, that’s for bogwomen and the daughters of men who own chip vans. After all the money we spent on hockey and elocution, and now this. Do you know what we can do? -Monica, Montenotte, it gives the girls awful calf muscles.

What? Montenotte? I suppose all that walking up hills while looking down on people is bound to have an effect. I have developed a cream that you can rub to girls to convert them from Norries into respectable people. (It’s like the opposite of fake tan.) I call it Sunday’s Well For Some. I put in on my cleaning lady the other day and didn’t she go straight out and apply to join Douglas Golf Club. Not that they’ll have her.