Sex advice with Suzi Godson: I'm worried my boyfriend won't satisfy me as much as my vibrator

How can you compare a silicone sex toy to a human being, says Suzi Godson.

Q. I’m a divorcee in my late 40s. I have purchased a couple of sex toys, which I use regularly. I’m worried that I have become addicted to them.

I’ve met someone new, but I am nervous to have sex with him, because I’m worried he won’t satisfy me as successfully as I can satisfy myself.

A. How can you compare a silicone sex toy to a human being?

Vibrators are great, but they are no match for the breathtaking, heart-stopping, stomach-churning excitement of having sex with a man to whom you are really attracted.

You don’t have to choose. You can have a relationship with your boyfriend and your sex toys. You can even enjoy both at the same time.

Many people think that men will not want to include toys in their sex life, but research has shown that this is not true.

At Indiana University, Debbie Herbernick collected data on vibrator use from 1,047 men aged 18 to 60 and found that just under half of them had enjoyed using one with a partner.

Interestingly, those men also scored higher for sexual function, desire, and satisfaction.

The same is true for women who use vibrators.

Herbernick’s companion study on women found that female users of vibrators had higher libidos, more satisfying sex lives, as well as more reliable orgasms.

It is hard to know whether that’s cause or effect. Do men and women who have higher libidos, and a more adventurous attitude to sex, use vibrators?

Or does using vibrators make it more satisfying for men and women?

Frankly, who cares?

Sex toys allow women to explore arousal and orgasm in their own time, and on their own terms, which is probably why women are more likely to orgasm with a vibrator than with a man.

This does not necessarily mean that it is an ‘addiction’.

At the University of Wisconsin-Madison, sociologist Lisa Wade’s research found that only 39% of women reported that they ‘always’ or ‘usually’ had an orgasm with a partner, compared with 91% of men.

In contrast, 66% of women reported that they ‘always’ or ‘usually’ had an orgasm during masturbation, compared with 90% of men. Why the inequity?

Wade’s conclusion is that women prioritise their partner’s sexual pleasure over their own.

Men can’t have sex unless they are aroused, but women can, and when they are nervous, or shy, they may sometimes find it hard to be honest, or directive about their needs.

It’s time that women stopped being reticent. You are a mature and competent woman, who is about to embark on a new sexual relationship.

It is an exciting opportunity to have the kind of sex that you want, so make it happen.

Work out what you like, and ask for it. If you want him to slow down or speed up, say so. And if you want to include your vibrator in your sex life, ask him to give it a go.

At first, stick to small, non-phallic shapes, or mini-bullet vibes, and share the sensation with him.

Cover his eyes with a soft blindfold and then run the vibrator down his torso, around his nipples, and down towards his pelvis.

I guarantee that he will think you are an absolute sex goddess, and, although he probably won’t admit this to you, nerves can play havoc with middle-aged erections, so he may be relieved that you have brought your own battery-operated back-up plan.

• Send your queries to [e-mail]