Lack of sex with boyfriend is making me irritable

Most men are only too pleased to hear their partner wants more sex, says Suzi Godson.

Q. Why do I become cross if my boyfriend and I have not had sex for a few days? I can feel myself becoming irritable, even if I am not feeling particularly in the mood for sex.

I don’t consider myself to have a particularly high libido, but I have noticed that as soon as we have sex, I am much happier.

A. Sex is the ultimate natural high, Mother Nature’s way of rewarding us for engaging in an act that perpetuates procreation.

In the brain, sexual pleasure is located in an area that is commonly referred to as “the reward centre”.

Arousal and orgasm trigger the release of dopamine, prolactin and oxytocin.

These feelgood neurochemicals flood the brain and body with a rush of pleasurable sensations.

Although climax is the sensory peak, it is oxytocin, the bonding hormone, that provides the warm afterglow.

We normally associate oxytocin with mother and baby bonding, but studies at Bar-Ilan University in Israel found that couples in the first six months of a new relationship have double the level of oxytocin found in pregnant women.

Oxytocin puts a smile on your face and a protective bubble around your relationship.

Whatever is going on in the world outside, when you are snuggled together under the duvet, naked and blissed out on neurochemicals, it feels as if nothing can ever come between you.

Neurochemistry plays an important part in our motivation to have sex, but as a relationship matures, sex is less to do with libido and more to do with anticipation.

For women, sexual desire is also heavily influenced by the natural hormonal fluctuations that occur during the menstrual cycle.

Women experience a surge in sexual desire when levels of oestrogen and progesterone are at their highest, just before ovulation from day eight to day 14 of the menstrual cycle.

There is another more minor peak just before the start of menstruation when hormone levels have fallen again.

The most influential hormone, with regard to sexual desire, is testosterone, and although it is more commonly associated with men, it is also present in females.

Like oestrogen and progesterone, levels of testosterone are elevated in the ovulatory phase of the menstrual cycle, which may explain why that peak is so pronounced, but daily variations are often higher than the mid-cycle peak.

Female sex hormones, including testosterone, are also responsible for mood regulation.

In men, testosterone is linked to aggression, but in women, premenstrual tension, which causes irritability and mood swings, is thought to be caused by declining oestrogen levels.

The fascinating, but endlessly complex relationship between neurotransmitters, hormones, mood swings and sexual desire is a bit of a chemical soup, but as long as your boyfriend is happy to deliver, just keep self-medicating with great sex.

If you are worried about being too demanding, explain that for you, sex is more than a pleasurable experience, it’s an antidote to irritability.

Most men are only too pleased to hear their partner wants more sex, but if you still feel you need to “up the dose”, you might want to consider investing in a vibrator.

Masturbatory orgasms won’t deliver emotional intimacy, but the neurochemical kick is the same.

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