Ask Audrey: My two-year-old wants to write a Valentine Card to his cousin back in Dingle

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Any crack? My two-year-old wants to write a Valentine Card to his cousin Gráinne, back in Dingle. Have you ever heard anything so cute in all your life?!!!! — Eileen, Tralee, I’d hate it if I lived in Cork.

So would I. I appreciate that falling in love with your cousin is considered romantic below in Kerry. We actually have a different name for it here in Cork. That’s why people east of Ballyvourney try and find if someone is their cousin before hopping into bed with them Of course, that’s tricky, given that 57% of the locals here are called Murphy. (And 50% of Murphys are called Jerry or Sinéad.) My friend Cliona reckoned she had a clever way to spot a relation of hers. Before lobbing the gob with a boy she fancied, she’d ask if he had a crazy relation in Bandon called Noely. Guess what? Everyone in Cork has a crazy relation in Bandon called Noely. She nearly ended up joining the nuns. (Imagine!)

My husband Ken is taking me to Rome today for Valentine’s Weekend, no expense spared. He said it’s costing so much that we will need to fire one of our gardeners. (He thinks of everything.) Anyway, I don’t have a question, I just want my neighbour Jane to read this in The Examiner and feel sick because she’s only getting a new set of lips and a spa break in Killarney from her Hugo. — Monica, Blackrock, I have four beauticians.

I’d say they’re kept busy. (It’s no joke being plain.) Your Ken thinks of everything, all right — like how to marry a woman who wouldn’t cop that she is being brought away on a rugby weekend. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Monica, but Ken is using Valentine’s as a cover to go with the lads and watch Ireland play Italy in the Six Nations. I doubt your Saturday night dinner will be very romantic. Unless you like listening to Ken and the lads guffawing about the time they flushed Hoggy’s head down the toilet after he dropped the ball against Dolphin. I’d actually rather go to Killarney. It’s that bad.

How’re oo goin on? Herself got 50 Shades of Grey out of Bantry library last week. Anyway, didn’t a group of local perverts spot this, and asked her to join them for An Evening Of Bondage the second Thursday of every month (after devotions). To cut a long story short, she wants me to go along with her next week, for Valentine’s. What do you think of that? — Donal Dick Donal Donal, Dunmanway, there’s talk that I’ll be on a lead.

There’s always a dog at these things. I brought my Conor on a lead to his posh friend’s sex party last summer. It turns out we misread the invite, and when we got there everyone else was dressed up as characters from Star Wars. It was very embarrassing. For them — it must be awful to be such a pack of nerds. Poor Conor thought the night would never end. Mainly because he wasn’t allowed up on their new couch from Caseys.

Ciao. Valentine’s Day is always a difficult time of the year for me, what with having seven lovers. There is no point in flying home to Italy for a ‘family emergency’ because I have another four girlfriends over there. Is there any way out of seeing them all in one night without raising suspicion? — Paulo, Milan and St Lukes, I own 27 mirrors.

That’s low for an Italian. I know a lot of love rats find it easier to stay home alone for Valentine’s Night. Let’s just say the restaurants in Kinsale are very quiet this time of year. Don’t try what I did once, and suggest to your partners that you should stay at home and have a night of phone sex. I was going great guns with my three boyfriends, until my mother confused the matter, with a text asking if I’d like to go for a walk in the Lee Fields the following Sunday. Whatever kind of answer she was expecting, “only if you strap me to a bench, big boy” wasn’t one of them.

C’mere, the old doll said she wants something different from me this Valentine’s. Allergic doesn’t cover it. Anyway, she said she’d like to see some concrete evidence of our love, after being married for 29 years. So, I was thinking of bringing her down to see the new stand in Páirc Uí Chaoimh. (It was under the old one where we first done the dirty deed, at half time in a county final.) Do you think she’ll appreciate it? — Garvan, Togher, I’m fairly old school.

I’m fairly unsurprised. The only thing you have going for you here is low expectations. Your old doll must know by now that Valentine’s is going to be more disappointing than being the ‘lucky’ winner of a weekend break in Kanturk.