Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo goin on? Herself is after falling in with a band of fitness freaks below in Drimoleague, and didn’t they give her a set of kettlebells for Christmas. To cut a long story short, she is starting to look like those East German ladies you’d see in the Olympics long go. Now, that might get the juices flowing for some men, particularly above in Dunmanway, but I’m not one of them. How can I get her to stop? – Ger Mick Mary, turn right before Bantry and keep going until you meet a man who is afraid of dual-carriageways.

I know your pain. My Conor took up cycling last year and ended up thinner than a supermodel. His new look gave me a strong urge. Which was to cook him a giant plate of bacon and cabbage. (As if I’d be seen dead in my own kitchen.) The worst thing about the cycling is he’s gone for most of the weekend.

Why can’t be take up a hobby where he’s gone for all of the weekend? It’s virtually impossible to have a decent affair.

Guten tag. I read in your paper there are plans for a four-star, floating hotel on the River Lee in Cork. Are you all excited about this now? – Jurgen, Berlin, I get turned on thinking about a floating hotel.

I prefer sex with humans, but each to his own. The guests on this boat will force us to contemplate a question that goes to the heart of life here in Cork. Are they, in fact, Norries?

The people on board won’t get a moments peace. You’ll have people on the north quays shouting: “Ye’re not really wan of our own.” From the other side of the river, they’ll have to listen to “I have three of my fellas in Pres”. Still, it’s good to see the boat coming to Cork. The last time I saw a bit of action on the quays was with a Russian sailor who’d remind you of Liam Neeson after a bottle of vodka. (As long as you’re the one doing the drinking.)

Hey, dude, what’s up? I’m flying in from Chicago for a meeting of the Moriarty clan in Tralee this weekend and I couldn’t be more psyched about it. I’ve read that Cork is kind of cool now and was thinking I should pop up there for a few wee hours. (I love your language.) What should I see? – Jarlath Moriarty III Jnr, Chicago, I’m totally in your face.

Yuck. Cork is impressive these days. (It looks even better after you’ve spent time in Tralee.) We like to say we’re the gourmet capital of Ireland, which is unusual because Cork people are usually so modest. You’ll be spoiled for choice if you go out for a meal here. Take your pick from any one of 37 restaurants serving burgers and chips at 15 quid a head. We call that choice.

I see Minister Simon Coveney is talking of running a light-rail system down the southside of the River Lee. Obviously, I’ll never use it in case I end up sitting next to one of my gardeners, but it would be great if the new tram line didn’t run all the way to Mahon. I’d hate to think of that lot passing my place in Blackrock every day, gawping up our massive drive to see how the 1% live. I try not to talk to people with less money than myself, so is there any chance you could ring Coveney and tell him to terminate the line at Blackrock? – Marjorie, Blackrock, I’m delighted to be in Switzerland at the moment.

I’m delighted you are there too. Stay as long as you like.As for Minister Coveney, I’m afraid there is a barring order against me ringing members of the Dáil.

I’m not really allowed to say why, but my advice is never ring Danny Healy-Rae and pretend you’re the son of God (He got an awful fright.)

Hey there. I love you. I just wanted to say that because part of my plan in the new year is to be nicer to people. I am running a Yoga Wellness Niceness circle in Skibbereen every Thursday night. Would you like to come? – Moonbeam, Baltimore.

Sorry, can’t make it. I’m in a mojito mojito mojito circle with some of the girls at work every Thursday. You should see the hot French guys making a run for it when we hit Crane Lane around midnight. They never escape, though. In terms of being nicer to people, I was reading back there over some of the things I said about people last year. It’s clear to me now that I’ve been overly harsh on people from Dungarvan. Also, my mother said you should never mock the afflicted, so I might take it easy on the inhabitants of Youghal, as well.