How a family backpacking trip taught Arlene Harris some parenting lessons

Children shouldn’t be brought up in luxury as it won’t prepare them for adulthood. This was one of the lessons Arlene Harris learnt during a three-week backpacking trip around Europe

DURING the summer, my family and I had the most wonderful experience exploring Europe by train. Spending an average of a couple of days in each destination, we crammed so much into our three week trip that it felt as if we had been away for months.

But while it truly was the holiday of a lifetime, it wasn’t without its ups and downs. Like true backpackers, we hauled our luggage around from city to city, packing and unpacking and sometimes getting up at the crack of dawn to catch a train to a new country. Some days we were exhausted while traipsing through sweltering crowded streets while trying to locate our accommodation, others we were lounging by a pool marvelling at our fortune and luxuriating in our surroundings.

For those who like to fly and flop, this sort of trip would not be for them, but I for one, think it was a fantastic adventure for my three sons who truly got to feel both the rough and the smooth.

At times, it felt like we were spending far too much of our holiday lugging bags around strange cities with the kids undoubtedly tired, hungry and thirsty, but they never once complained. Even when our destinations varied so much that we literally went from a Palace to an attic in the space of 24 hours.

We were lucky enough to spend the night at the exquisite Kempinski San Clemente Palace hotel in Venice. Set on its own island, this old palace was the ultimate in luxury, old world charm and opulence. The boys were spellbound by the hotel, the beauty of Venice and feeling of being part of another world.

The following day, however, they were brought down to earth with a bang when after disembarking our private boat from the island; we were instantly swallowed up in the throng of tourists and spent an extremely stressful hour trying to navigate the streets on foot with heavy bags on our backs in the searing midday sun.

Having finally arrived at the station, looking a far cry from the elegant travellers we had been a few hours ago, we flopped into our seats on a train bound for Milan — and arriving a couple of hours later, we set about finding our ‘charming castle penthouse’.

In reality the ‘five-person apartment’ was an attic room on the top floor of seven-storey building — with no lift, no air conditioning — despite the unbearable heat of an attic in mid-summer in Italy, a shower which belonged in the 1950s and all the beds squashed into two tiny spaces — it was truly the worst place I have ever stayed.

We tried calling the letting agent who refused to answer our calls, so there was nothing we could do but grin and bear it and get on with our visit to Italy’s most fashionable city.

Of course, despite the heat and squalor of the room, we muddled through just fine and in fact (this thought only coming to me when I was far away on a train bound for France), I believe the experience was a great example to the kids of how you have to get used to dealing with things that aren’t so pleasant as it will make little luxuries even more enjoyable.

Dr David Carey, director of psychology at City Colleges and Dean of the College of Progressive Education agrees, and says living a life of luxury is not a good thing for anyone, particularly for children as they end up unable to deal with problems in life.

“The pampered child ends up worse in life than the hated child — these were the words of Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Freud,” says Dr Carey. “By saying this Adler meant that he had noticed in his work with families that children who were handed everything they wanted, regardless of their effort in earning it, learned little of importance about how to live in the world.

“Wealth is a corrupter of all human values and what is right. Among the world’s worst parents are those that are the wealthiest. However, children who learn privileges are earned through cooperation with others, contribution to the family welfare, communication with family members, and earning certain rights by exerting responsibilities become better citizens, better workers, better parents and better human beings.”

Dr Carey says parents should teach children how to fend for themselves, how to appreciate when things are good and to know the difference between normal and luxury.

“Do not do for your child what they can rightfully attempt to do for themselves,” he advises. “Do not purchase for your child everything they want as they will come to want more and more and will not know the value of anything, even human contact.

“Being a good enough parent means knowing that children only really need a few things: love, nurture, encouragement and forgiveness. Designer goods, be they edibles or wearables, are useless additions to the human being. So remember parents, you cannot grow your child’s spirit through consumer purchasing.”

So, while some wondered at my sanity in taking my sons across Europe, I believe it they gained so much from it — amassing a wealth of experience, knowledge and excitement.

Sure, some days were better than others but as a friend of my dad’s used to say, ‘You have to get into the slurry pit to know when you are lying in a rose bed’. Quite.