Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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C’mere what’s the story with all the expensive Audis and Range Rovers, parked outside Aldi and Lidl with the engines running. I was walking my dog, JBM, past Aldi in Ballyphehane the other day and I thought the Queen must be inside or something? — Dowcha Donie, I do be fierce curious.

I do be too. We have entered Cut Price Wooden Toys in German Supermarket Season.

This is where posh moms from Douglas and Blackrock send their au pairs into the shop with a list of presents they will pretend were brought back from a Christmas market in Berlin. (They stopped going in themselves after Monica from Douglas Golf Club popped into Lidl last year and ended up in the queue behind her gardener. She was so shook that her husband treated her to a new nose.) Of course, the posh moms are mad pumping the au pairs for info on the way home.

It’s all “do they have that nice prosecco again this year?” and “when are you going to stop sleeping with my husband?”

Alright darlin’? There’s no denying it, I’m a flash bloke. There’s also no denying that Britain is being flushed down the toilet by posh geezers like that Boris Johnson. That’s why I’m thinking of moving over to Cork. Two questions: where should I live and will I be able to get personalised number plates? — Ben, Luton, I’ve got a gold watch, innit.

So does my gardener. You can’t get personalised number plates in Cork. There was a fear that people in Blackrock would use them to show how many of their sons are in Christians.

So you’ll have to find another way to tell the world that you have a tiny willy. (Have you considered a yacht?) In terms of where to live, I asked an estate agent friend of mine where would be good for an insecure, nouveau riche, show-off with shocking taste. She said she’ll let me know if anything comes up in Ovens.

Any crack? Myself and the cousin are going up to Cork on the beer for a week because our wives are driving us plain daft. Is there any truth to the rumour that traffic in Cork is after getting fierce bad? — Mike, Killorglin, we’ll be looking to meet women.

Thanks for the warning. Traffic in Cork is now officially classified as ‘gone mad’. Someone said the other day that queues at the tunnel in the morning are back to pre-crash levels. So now might be a good time to book a one-way ticket to Australia.

I hear that things are after getting particularly bad out around Mahon. (Or New Blackrock as it’s known by people who buy a house there.) My posh cousin told me that it took her 90 minutes to drive 2km the other morning. I told her she should buy a new car. She went straight down to Kearys and spent 50 grand on a Beemer. Any excuse!

Well, horse? Heading down tay Dublin for the FAI Cup Final against Cork on Sunday, so we are, c’mon the Town, hey. How many of yiz will travel up for the big day, hey? — Flanno, Dundalk, I love Cork women.

It isn’t mutual. I was in Dundalk last year for a work thing. I honestly never knew Ireland had an open prison.

How come more of ye don’t try and escape? Every soccer fan in Cork will be heading for Dublin on Sunday. Along with 15,000 other people who couldn’t find Turners Cross on a map. Things are so bad for sports fans down here with our gammy GAA teams, there have been reports of Norries going to watch hockey. Norry is a Cork term for northsider. Hockey is a game played with sticks by people called Alistair. I doubt very much that you’ve heard of it.

How’re oo goin on? I heard an ad on the radio the other day for a dating site aimed at older men like myself. The man in the ad said the site helped him find a companion to join him for long walks by the sea. To be honest, I’d be more interested in the old sex. Where would be a good place to go? — Ger Mike Mary, take a left before Macroom and keep going until you come across a man hiding from his wife.

Do you have a car? I took a look at Google Maps and you’re only about an hour from Kinsale. It’s the best place in Munster for anyone interested in sex, or overpriced paninis served with no more than three Hunky Dorys. It’s a much better bet for you than looking on the internet. Even online, there isn’t much demand for an elderly married bogman called Mary.