Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Like totes hello! My peeps and I are coming down from Dublin to visit Cork this bank holiday weekend. We’re all in our 30s, but have never actually been to Cork because you’re all total boggers, ya! Anyway, jazz, so excited about that right now. What would you recommend? — Sofia, Sandymount, I have amazing skin.

So do snakes. My main recommendation would be cut down on the espressos. You seem as giddy as a busload of bridesmaids from Banteer. I’m not really sure what goes on during the Jazz Festival. Cork people tend to steer clear of town, because it’s full of students from Nenagh in straw hats that say ‘I’m only here for the beer.’ That’s as bad as it sounds. Anyway, I hear MacCurtain Street is usually hopping during the Jazz. Some people now call it the Victorian Quarter. Personally, I think it’s just Washington Street for Norries.

Hello old stock, I see there are cheap flights from Cork to Iceland and on to America next summer. Do you think I should book a few tickets and give Crookhaven a miss? — Reggie, Blackrock, I’m worried the low price will attract the wrong class of person.

It already has. My cousin from Listowel just booked a weekend in New York. She’s tighter than a pair of skinny jeans from Cavan. So much so that she brings her own egg sandwiches on long haul flights. I once sat next to her on a four-hour flight to Lanzarote. You can imagine how embarrassed I was. Going to Lanzarote on holidays. But it was all we could afford that year, after my Conor had his misunderstanding with the Revenue. Make sure to stop off in Iceland if you do book a flight. I hear the place is dotted with giant monstrosities, blowing out hot air. That sounds a lot like the bar in Cork Golf Club.

Hola. I am an au pair for a family here in Blackrock. The family often allow me into the front room in the evening, once I have finished cleaning the swimming pool. Last night they were talking about hiring a Rottweiler. What is going on? — Clara, Barcelona and Blackrock, the husband (Ken) tells me his wife doesn’t understand him.

That means he hasn’t had sex in six months. You have been warned. The Rottweiler thing is linked to Halloween. They are like gold dust around posh Cork at this time of year. A lot of people in Blackrock hire guard dogs in case they get trick or treaters from Mahon (or even Ballintemple, really.) Trick or treating is where you use Halloween as an excuse to travel around with your kids and get to know the neighbours. The trick is to keep them talking at their front door for as long as possible, so you can see how much of their furniture comes from Casey’s.

Hey man. I’m moving to Cork next month to head up our Irish software office. We have this app that allows you to press a button, and then this factory worker in China gets an electric shock. It is hilarious, you should try it. Anyway, I’m thinking of living in Crosshaven. What do you reckon? — Josh, Los Angeles, I don’t judge people for their sexual preferences.

You might be better off in Kinsale. It’s like something you’d see on Channel 4 (that’s an English TV channel for sex maniacs.) Crosshaven has some great features though. The best thing is it’s four miles from Carrigaline. That’s just about far enough. (As long as the wind isn’t blowing from the west.) And then of course, you also have the RCYC. That stands for I’ve Never Been to Farranree. It’s actually the oldest yacht club in the world. Their motto is ‘Looking down on people since 1720.’

How’re oo goin on? I haven’t had ‘bedroom relations’ with herself since she joined a drumming circle inside in Bantry. On top of that, she keeps talking about this Spanish fella, Pablo, in the group, who is like a good-looking Antonio Banderas, whatever that is. Anyway, do you think I should be worried? — Jim Jack Mikey, Castletownbere, she’s 73 years of age.

There’s hope for us all. I thought the only thrill available at that age would involve bingo and a bottle of gin. As for sex with your 73-year-old wife, bit of vomit in the mouth just thinking about it. I thought you’d be over all that by now. My advice is to stop watching Nationwide. Elderly bogmen like yourself tend to get all fired up after 30 minutes of Mary Kennedy. As for Antonio Banderas, he’s a fla from Spain who’s never far from my thoughts when I’m having bedroom relations with my Conor. You’d need some kind of distraction.