Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo goin on? I woke up last night and there was a stranger at the foot of the bed. I was going to hit him a belt with a hurley, but sure I’m from West Cork and wouldn’t know how to use one. Anyway, your man says not to worry, he was just playing Pokémon Go. What’s the story with that now like? — Ger Pat Michael, head west from Skibbereen until the smell starts to overwhelm you.

I’d hate to wake up and find a stranger at the end of the bed. Particularly if he wasn’t good-looking. Pokémon Go is a sign that people under 30 shouldn’t be allowed out without supervision. The idea is you use your mobile phone to show other people that you have no life. It’s also a form of escape for those who can’t cope with the terrible drudgery of day to day life. I hear it’s huge in Waterford.

I spent a fortune on a pair of sunglasses for my holidays in Crookhaven next month. (I don’t want people thinking that Ken didn’t get an enormous bonus for his work on the Dublin thing, which he did by the way, in case you’re wondering.) Anyway, my cleaning lady arrived in today, and she has the exact same glasses herself! What can I do? — Jessica, Sunday’s Well, I’m dying to know how much my neighbours spent on their new kitchen.

I hear it was 27 grand and the wife had to pay the plumber another four grand to keep quiet about you know what. Say nothing. I know what you should do with the cleaner. Bring her and her sunglasses on holidays to Crookhaven. The whole village will be buzzing with how much you must be paying your cleaner. And they’ll think it’s gas the way you make her sleep in the car. (Ah come on, you so will.)

Hello old stock. I see that Simon Coveney wants to put social and private houses together in new estates, so you can’t tell them apart. Please tell me he isn’t going to try this in Cork? — Hugh, Blackrock, though obviously I’m in Crookhaven for the foreseeable.

I doubt he’ll make much of a dent on snobbery in Cork. Research shows there are two things likely to survive a nuclear holocaust — cockroaches and a lady from the Model Farm Road saying: “Tell me again what school you went to.” My aunt did a night course in Cork Golf Club called ‘Norry Spotting for Beginners’.

She rang me there to say she is starting a consultancy to help first-time buyers get a heads-up on their new neighbours. I asked her what’s the tell-tale sign that a house mightn’t belong to two young professionals who went to Pres and Scoil Mhuire. She said lace curtains. It’s true when you think about it.

Like totes how’s it goin babes? I’m back in Cork after a week in Marbella. I so need to sit outside and show off my amazeballs tan. What would you recommend? — Kimmy, Dublin 4 and St Lukes, Daddy bought me another horse (photo enclosed.)

Wow, Kimmy, you look just like him (the horse). I recommend you don’t go flashing your tan around town. Cork women are livid when they spot someone with a natural colour, mainly because their own tan tends to attract flies. Or worse again, Italians. There is only so many of them you can hit with an insect whacker before someone calls the Guards. If you really need to flash your legs, head for Kinsale. I find the men down there tend to leave you alone. Sure they’re probably worn out after all the wife-swapping.

Good day to you. Myself and my wife are planning to drive around Cork and Kerry in the coming fortnight. Is it possible to avoid riff-raff? — Gerald, London, my wife only ever speaks when she is spoken to.

She’s probably still in shock that she agreed to marry such a tool (no offence).

There shouldn’t be a problem avoiding riff-raff on a trip to Cork and Kerry, as long as you can find a way to delete Tralee off your satnav.

My posh cousin came back from there last month and said it was like Norries with nobs on. If you find it hard to understand what she means, you are going to struggle in West Cork. I was in Bantry the other day, when I came across an old man moaning and whistling at the side of the street. It turns out he was just asking me the time.

Research shows there are two things likely to survive a nuclear holocaust — cockroaches and a lady from the Model Farm Road saying: ‘Tell me again what school you went to’