I’d hate to wake up and find a stranger at the end of the bed. Particularly if he wasn’t good-looking. Pokémon Go is a sign that people under 30 shouldn’t be allowed out without supervision. The idea is you use your mobile phone to show other people that you have no life. It’s also a form of escape for those who can’t cope with the terrible drudgery of day to day life. I hear it’s huge in Waterford.
I hear it was 27 grand and the wife had to pay the plumber another four grand to keep quiet about you know what. Say nothing. I know what you should do with the cleaner. Bring her and her sunglasses on holidays to Crookhaven. The whole village will be buzzing with how much you must be paying your cleaner. And they’ll think it’s gas the way you make her sleep in the car. (Ah come on, you so will.)
I doubt he’ll make much of a dent on snobbery in Cork. Research shows there are two things likely to survive a nuclear holocaust — cockroaches and a lady from the Model Farm Road saying: “Tell me again what school you went to.” My aunt did a night course in Cork Golf Club called ‘Norry Spotting for Beginners’.
She rang me there to say she is starting a consultancy to help first-time buyers get a heads-up on their new neighbours. I asked her what’s the tell-tale sign that a house mightn’t belong to two young professionals who went to Pres and Scoil Mhuire. She said lace curtains. It’s true when you think about it.
Wow, Kimmy, you look just like him (the horse). I recommend you don’t go flashing your tan around town. Cork women are livid when they spot someone with a natural colour, mainly because their own tan tends to attract flies. Or worse again, Italians. There is only so many of them you can hit with an insect whacker before someone calls the Guards. If you really need to flash your legs, head for Kinsale. I find the men down there tend to leave you alone. Sure they’re probably worn out after all the wife-swapping.
She’s probably still in shock that she agreed to marry such a tool (no offence).
There shouldn’t be a problem avoiding riff-raff on a trip to Cork and Kerry, as long as you can find a way to delete Tralee off your satnav.
My posh cousin came back from there last month and said it was like Norries with nobs on. If you find it hard to understand what she means, you are going to struggle in West Cork. I was in Bantry the other day, when I came across an old man moaning and whistling at the side of the street. It turns out he was just asking me the time.
Research shows there are two things likely to survive a nuclear holocaust — cockroaches and a lady from the Model Farm Road saying: ‘Tell me again what school you went to’