The best ways to celebrate your Communion - traditionally or otherwise
Just like most eight-year-old girls in the country, being in second class meant the celebration of a very special occasion for Nell O’Grady. She wore a gorgeous new dress and was surrounded by friends and family as she marked her big day.
However, unlike her classmates, this little girl from Clare wasn’t making her First Holy Communion in the local church; instead, she enjoyed a unique ‘communion’ of her own on a beach in Kerry.
Parents Gill and Brian decided to opt out of the sacrament, as they didn’t have their daughter baptised and felt it would be hypocritical to go along with the proceedings just because everyone else was.
“Both Brian and I were born into Catholic families, but, as we grew up, began to move away from the religion, as it didn’t sit well with either of us,” says Gill. “I had always questioned the teachings while I was growing up, but it wasn’t until I went to college that I was finally able to say that I was finished with Catholicism.
“But, despite giving up on the formal side of the religion, I was and still am very spiritual. We didn’t get married in a church — it would have felt all wrong for me to be taking vows in front of someone who has no idea what it is like to be married or have a family — and, when Nell was born, we decided that we wanted to have some sort of naming ceremony for her, but wanted her to be a part of it, so planned to wait until she was of Communion age.”
Living in a small village in south east Clare, it wasn’t easy to go against the grain, but, once Gill and Brian had made their decision, the community and their families respected that.
“When Nell reached school-going age, we had to decide whether to send her to an Educate Together school in Limerick, or to the local Catholic school here in Bridgetown,” says Gill, who works in the Lime Tree Theatre in Limerick. “We opted for our village school, as we didn’t want her to be excluded from the community and, before she started, I went to see the principal and explained that we were not Catholic, so, from the very beginning, this was not a problem and she was totally accepted.
“However, when the preparations for Holy Communion were coming up, I knew there would be a huge emphasis on it and was so worried that Nell would feel left out — in fact, I began to feel very guilty about whether or not we were doing the right thing, but I knew there was no way I could sit in a church and watch my daughter go through something I didn’t believe in, so we spoke to her about it and also had a word with our families — who were also very supportive — and then set about organising a celebration of our own.”
While the rest of her class made regular trips to the local church and discussed outfits, guest lists, and the rest, Nell was quietly preparing for her own special day.
“Being the only person in a class of 19 who is doing something different was quite tough for Nell, but, after sitting down with her and discussing our reasons and our plans for her own special day, she soon began to get excited,” says Gill.
“We agreed with her teacher that while she could join in with learning songs and the general chat leading up to the Communion, she wouldn’t go to the church with her classmates, and she was fine with that, so, we got on with preparing her own unique ‘Communion’.
“Nell got a special dress, I sent out formal invitations to our families, we rented some houses near a beach in Kerry and gathered on the sand. With everyone standing in a circle, I read out a little speech I had written about how special Nell is and how much we all love her, Brian read an adaptation of Dr Seuss’s You can Move Mountains, my sister presented her with a ring she had bought for her when she was a baby and my nephew read a speech about the importance of family.
“Then, Brian played a few tunes while his older daughter Eve and Nell sang together. The sun was even shining throughout, so it was a perfect celebration and very special to all of us.”
This event happened the weekend before the community Communion, which the O’Grady family decided to avoid by heading away for a few days.
“We live directly opposite the church, so, although we had an amazing weekend for Nell’s ‘Communion’, we didn’t think it was fair on her to watch all of her friends gathering and celebrating across the road,” says Gill. “So, instead, we booked a weekend in Disneyland Paris.
“Some people had things to say about this, as they believed I had avoided the religious event because of ‘commercialism’ and was now paying to take Nell away, but that wasn’t the point at all. We had already enjoyed our special day and celebrated our beautiful daughter and this was just a good time to take a family break, because no matter how much Nell ‘got’ our reasons for opting out, it would still have been difficult for her to see all her friends doing something without her, plus it was our way of thanking her for being so understanding.”
There are no religious ceremonies to think about for a few years, but Gill says when confirmation time comes around they plan to do something similar.
“We will definitely opt out of confirmation and have another service of our own, something like a coming-of-age before she heads off to secondary school,” says Gill. “While I don’t believe in the religious ceremonies, I do think they have the timing right as both the Communion and the confirmation events happen at appropriate times in a child’s life.
“At the end of the day, I know it would have been easier to toe the line and just go along with what everyone else was doing, but I’m glad we stuck to our beliefs and will continue to do so in the future.”
According to mummypages.ie the average Irish family will spend between €1,200 and €1,525 on celebrating their child’s Communion. With their alternative event, Gill and Brian didn’t incur a fraction of those costs. Victoria and Brendan Lawlor from Dublin also made a concerted effort to keep costs down.
They hosted their daughter Lucy’s Communion last month and, though they didn’t spend quite as much as the average, they knew the event would be costly, as their son, Ben, 10, went through the experience two years ago, so they did their best to keep things to a minimum, while ensuring all the boxes were ticked.
“Ben’s Communion worked out exactly the same cost-wise as Lucy’s,” says Victoria. “He had a three-piece-suit and a shirt and tie from Next, as well as some shoes from M&S. The outfit cost me less than €200, as I got the shoes in the January sales.
“We bought the dress last year and had it professionally altered as Lucy is very petite. She was sure she wanted one touching the floor so this was one way to ensure she got exactly the right style and fit for her. It also meant no one else had the same dress as the style wasn’t in the shops this year.” Not sure about what headdress she wanted to wear on the day, Victoria bought Lucy selection of accessories to choose from but saved money on shoes as the little girl was more than happy to wear something comfortable which could be used again.
“Lucy and I went to the hairdressers with my mum on the morning of the Communion, as she wanted an up-style and my mum and I got a blow-dry,” says the mother of two. “I bought three different hair accessories and, even though she only used one on the day, it saved any last-minute panic.
“She is a keen gymnast and decided that new shoes were a waste of money, so she wore white Nike runners under her dress, which remained hidden for the church and then came in very useful when she decided to cartwheel at the school party; thankfully she had white leggings on under the dress too.”
More than half (57%) of parents quizzed by mummypages.ie reported feeling the strain when it came to paying for their child’s Communion, but Victoria says the €1,200 to €1,525 average is very high and she didn’t spend anything near this on either of her children’s Communions.
“Our communions were definitely less than that, even though for both events we booked a meal in the local golf club,” she says. “We had a set two-course meal, which was fabulous, and were allowed to bring our own Communion cake, which made it special, but we kept numbers small and only had immediate family and godparents, no bouncy castles or mad house parties. Both occasions were very special and a huge amount of preparation went in from the school making each service really beautiful.”
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