Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Bonjour. My girlfriend here in Cork texted me last night and said she wanted space. I advised her to move to Ovens. Do you think I got the wrong end of the stick? — Jean Claude, Lille and Victoria Cross.

I can see why you might think this. Let’s face it, Ovens is full of spacers. The bad news is you are getting what we like to call the bullet. I know from watching French movies how the break-up tends to play out in your country. He’s standing on the footpath. She’s throwing his suits at him from the window of their first floor apartment while smoking three cigarettes and still looking incredibly gorgeous. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but the space your girlfriend wants is right next to her, where you used to stand. See you on Tinder! (I’m known as Busty in Ballinlough.)

An old school pal from Scoil Mhuire sent me a friend request on Facebook. I can see from her profile that her sons only go to Coláiste Chríost Rí. They don’t charge fees and it’s within walking distance of Ballyphehane! She must be so disappointed with the way her life panned out. Can you recommend how I might get rid of her? —Yvonne, my two are in Pres but we could have afforded Clongowes, no problem.

It’s a common complaint. My posh cousin went to a Scoil Mhuire class reunion and ended up sitting next to someone who only had a 2012 Range Rover. Worse again, she sent her daughter to St Al’s. They eventually had to ask her to leave, because the embarrassment was ruining the night for everyone else. My advice is to ask your old friend over for tea. Ten minutes in, your presence should be enough to see her back out of your life.

Good day to you. I was visiting Ireland last week and noticed that every programme on the television was about something called 1916. What was that all about? —Viscount ‘Squidgy’ De Fitz William of Berkshire, Daddy owns most of Scotland.

It depends on who you ask. For some people, the 1916 Rising was so we wouldn’t have to listen to people who go by the name Squidgy. For others, it was an opportunity to get a grant and make 43 documentaries for the centenary using the same four pieces of grainy footage. Cork didn’t take part in the Rising because it was on a Bank Holiday Monday. Gerry and the lads were very protective of their time off. On top of that, the call to arms came from Dublin. That’s always going to meet the same response here in Cork. We will yeah, like. (That’s means ‘no’, Squidgy, in case you’re wondering.)

How’re oo goin’ on? Myself and the missus are planning a trip up to Cork. I wouldn’t be too used to the roundabouts and that craic. What would be the best way to get into the city without making a clown of myself? —Eddie Dickie Andy, keep going past Durrus until you come across a man who has worn the same pants for the last three years.

You could use the Park and Ride off the South Link. Keep an eye out for a few Dublin couples having sex in their car. Park and Ride means different things to different people. The other downside is that you’ll have to go on the Kinsale Road Roundabout. I hear a man from Killorglin, who came up for a match two years ago, is still on that roundabout because he can’t find the exit. He hasn’t used up all the ham sandwiches and tea that he packed for the journey yet. The Kerry crowd like to make absolutely sure they don’t spend a cent in Cork.

Guten tag. I have just arrived to start work here in Cork. Why are there pictures of so many ugly people on all the lamp-posts? —Gunther, Berlin, some of them make we nearly crash my car.

They’re not ugly, they’re just politicians. And they’re pretty good looking for Irish people. (I’m weak for Simon Coveney. And not just because he’s loaded.) You are going to get a lot of people calling to your door in the next few weeks. Don’t be nice to them. Irish politicians are about as popular as a toothbrush in Listowel. They’ll keep hounding anyone who shows them a bit love. Until you reveal that you don’t have a vote. They’ll be out the gap faster than you can say, “But vot about ze potholes?” Please tell me you talk like that. I’m a huge fan of ’Allo ’Allo.