I'm only attracted to Alpha men - my therapist says I need to find a Beta

Another year, another Valentine’s Day and it is about time that I reviewed my list of Irish Men I Would.

Since Hozier still hasn’t responded to my constant declarations of love — it’s like he’s too busy and important to know who I am or something — I’ve decided to replace him with Domhnall Gleeson.

I think Domhnall might have a girlfriend (which is the only reason nothing will happen between us, obviously) but I hope he understands the full magnitude of this honour.