Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Guten Tag. I was flying into Cork Airport last night, approaching from the north. About two minutes before touchdown the whole cabin filled with the most incredible light. Do you think this might have been the lamb of God? — Klaus, Hamburg

No, that would have been Jerry’s house in Blarney. He likes to light it up for the Christmas. You’re pretty lucky really. Three planes landed on Jerry’s drive last week because they thought it was a runway. He was straight out trying to sell them duty free cigarettes and booze. They’re always on the lookout for some extra cash above in Blarney. If you’re interested, there’s a bus that does a tour of all the lit-up houses around Cork this time of year. It’s full of people from Douglas and Sunday’s Well saying, “I’ve never seen anything so common in all my life.”

C’mere, my old doll is refusing to tell me what I should buy her for Christmas. She said I should use my imagination. The problem there is I have a filthy mind and will only end up getting her some bondage gear from one of the smut shops in town. What do you think she might like? — Langsham, Bandon Road, it’s not my real name

I think she might like a new boyfriend. You sound about as inviting as walking into a toilet that has just been vacated by a man from Roscommon. What are these people eating? My guess is your girlfriend knows your dirty mind and actually wants something saucy. Cork city women are quite shy when it comes to sexual deviancy — we don’t want people thinking we’re from Kinsale. Obviously get her something else along with the bondage gear. I bought my Conor a gimp suit and nothing else two years ago. His mother came over on Christmas day and demanded to see his present. She said at least it would keep him dry if it rained.

Our son Nathan has started going out with a girl from Kilmallock. I’d struggle to find it on a map! Anyway, he’s bringing her and her parents over here for a Christmas get together on Tuesday. What should I do to prepare? (I already have plastic sheeting over the carpets.) — Kate, Blackrock, I’m getting a Range Rover for Christmas!

It’s probably too late to take language lessons. You’d learn Mandarin Chinese faster than getting a grip on what they’re saying in south Limerick. I hear that if a Kilmallock man scrapes his foot along the ground twice, that means yes. I find the best way to prepare for an awkward evening is four vodka tonics. At least you’ll have a decent excuse when you speak your mind. Even if you do greet them at the door and say, “It could be worse, at least ye’re not from the northside! Let me take your coat, or whatever it is you’d call that thing tied around your waist.”

Ciao. I have been lying in bed feeling rotten all day. The only time I got up was to make a simple meal of veal meatballs and mushroom in a velvety cream and white wine sauce on a bed of handmade rigatoni. I have no clue what happened last night. Do you have any ideas? — Claudio, Wellington Road and formerly Milan

This sounds like a classic case of Unprepared Italian Man Joins Work Colleagues on 12 Pubs Tour. By unprepared, I mean you didn’t spend €10,000 on Jägermeister by the time you were 21. The 12 Pubs tour is a popular team-building device here in Ireland. The theory is you foster closer bonds with your colleagues by coming through a challenge together. The reality is a lot of Italian and French people wandering around Barack Street with only one shoe. If you would like to see what you happened last night, just check YouTube. Be prepared for the worst.

How’re oo goin on? I was up in Cork with the kids during the week. That Glow thing on the Grand Parade is good but there was tears all round because the Park wasn’t open until 4pm. Why don’t ye open the park a bit earlier? — Mick Paddy Gooch Mary, head for Sneem but don’t quite go there

Don’t worry, I’ve no intention of going to Sneem. I checked with the City Council. They said they like to keep the gates closed until all the mucksavages have gone home to do the milking. Only messing. They said ‘Kerry people’ instead of mucksavages, but I knew what they meant. Only messing again. What they actually said was “Bah Humbug, we’re not in the business of making children happy by opening the park at a time that might suit them instead of us. Now, if you don’t mind, we’re off to debate a motion calling for Christmas to be cancelled. Bah Humbug again.”

I find the best way to prepare for an awkward evening is four vodka tonics. At least you’ll have a decent excuse when you speak your mind