Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years...

Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems

Ciao. I have moved to work here in Cork and it only took me eight days to fall in love with all the girls in the office. This is some kind of record. Anyway, I particularly love Aoife from Dublin and Sadhbh from Clonmel. The problem is I cannot pronounce their names. Can you help me? — Marco, Venice, and now Ballintemple

Aoife is a tricky one. Your best bet is to call her Easy. She’s from Dublin, so she will definitely have been called that in the past. Sorry, but there is no way you will never be able to pronounce Sadhbh. (You’d have better luck trying to teach a Dungarvan man the rules of Hide and Seek. “Hang on Mossie. We can’t both hide.”) The good news is it doesn’t matter what you call Sadhbh — she’s from Tipperary so she’ll be glad of the attention. If that doesn’t work out, how about me? (I love a bit of Italian.) Don’t worry if you find Audrey hard to pronounce. You can just call me any time.

Hey babes. Myself and my girlfriends are planning to hit the shops in Cork some day before Christmas. What would you recommend for some fun-loving gals from the heart of Dublin 4? — Sadie, Sandymount but you’d swear I was from New York, know what I’m sayin’?

First of all, don’t come here on December 8. If you think culchies flood into Dublin that day, you should see the stinky specimens that arrive at the shops in Cork. At one point last year, I thought there must be a dead fox on the second floor of Brown Thomas. Turns out it was a lady from Kilmallock. Bear in mind there is no social segregation in Cork pubs, so you could end up talking to a norrie. (That’s what we call northsiders who aren’t from Sundays Well or Montenotte. They are also often known as Wayne.) My guess is you would rather meet a guy who went to a school like Pres or Christians. No need to ask a Cork guy if he went to a fee-paying school. He’ll mention it within 10 seconds of meeting you.

How do you do? I see that your Oliver Plunkett St was recently voted the best street in the British Isles. Do you think I should visit? — Duchess ‘Blinky’ De FitzClaurence, London (I believe I still own some land around Mitchelstown, but I couldn’t be bothered to check.)

There is only one thing better than owning some land around Mitchelstown. And that’s owning no land around Mitchelstown. Couple of tips if you do pay a visit. Claiming that Cork is in the British Isles is a complete no-no. (Unless you visit Crosshaven or Bandon, where it is actually compulsory.) Oliver Plunkett St is very popular with Cork people. Particularly with residents of Blackrock and Sundays Well, who use it to sneak in the back door of Penneys. (They’d be drummed out of Douglas Golf Club if they were caught.) Finally, I’d recommend you take a trip into the Old English Market. There are quite a few decaying old pigs in there. You’ll feel right at home.

My wife told me her Christmas work party is being held overnight in Westmeath. I fully trusted her until I heard from someone else in the office that they are just going on a pub crawl here in town. Do you think I should be worried? — Paul, Macroom

I really, really do. Anyone who believes that Cork people would head to the Midlands for enjoyment would want their head examined. I spent a weekend in Portlaoise once by mistake. It was like Killarney, but without the lakes and mountains. Imagine. Anyway, I don’t want you to worry about a thing. There’s no problem if your wife is having an affair and you end up divorced and selling the family home. The property market is so hot again that people are actually being forced to buy houses in Macroom. I hope now I’ve been of some assistance.

I moved to Dubai from Kilkenny a few years back but I hear that Ireland is booming again. Do you think I should move to Cork? — Tim, Melbourne

Can you play hurling? I usually feel so sorry for Irish people who go to live in Dubai. It must be hard moving to a barren wasteland, completely devoid of any culture. But then again, you moved from Kilkenny, so you probably didn’t notice any difference. (Sorry to be the one to tell you, but comedy festivals don’t really pass as culture in the rest of the world.) People who move back to Cork now are amazed at the difference. All of us are either working for Apple or in an Asian Street Food restaurant. The recent expansion at the Apple plant in Hollyhill is the talk of the town. You’ll find most people on the southside are asking the same question — where’s Hollyhill?

No need to ask a Cork guy if he went to a fee-paying school. He’ll mention it within 10 seconds of meeting you

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