Agony aunt Ask Audrey is solving all of Cork’s problems
Aoife is a tricky one. Your best bet is to call her Easy. She’s from Dublin, so she will definitely have been called that in the past. Sorry, but there is no way you will never be able to pronounce Sadhbh. (You’d have better luck trying to teach a Dungarvan man the rules of Hide and Seek. “Hang on Mossie. We can’t both hide.”) The good news is it doesn’t matter what you call Sadhbh — she’s from Tipperary so she’ll be glad of the attention. If that doesn’t work out, how about me? (I love a bit of Italian.) Don’t worry if you find Audrey hard to pronounce. You can just call me any time.
First of all, don’t come here on December 8. If you think culchies flood into Dublin that day, you should see the stinky specimens that arrive at the shops in Cork. At one point last year, I thought there must be a dead fox on the second floor of Brown Thomas. Turns out it was a lady from Kilmallock. Bear in mind there is no social segregation in Cork pubs, so you could end up talking to a norrie. (That’s what we call northsiders who aren’t from Sundays Well or Montenotte. They are also often known as Wayne.) My guess is you would rather meet a guy who went to a school like Pres or Christians. No need to ask a Cork guy if he went to a fee-paying school. He’ll mention it within 10 seconds of meeting you.
There is only one thing better than owning some land around Mitchelstown. And that’s owning no land around Mitchelstown. Couple of tips if you do pay a visit. Claiming that Cork is in the British Isles is a complete no-no. (Unless you visit Crosshaven or Bandon, where it is actually compulsory.) Oliver Plunkett St is very popular with Cork people. Particularly with residents of Blackrock and Sundays Well, who use it to sneak in the back door of Penneys. (They’d be drummed out of Douglas Golf Club if they were caught.) Finally, I’d recommend you take a trip into the Old English Market. There are quite a few decaying old pigs in there. You’ll feel right at home.
I really, really do. Anyone who believes that Cork people would head to the Midlands for enjoyment would want their head examined. I spent a weekend in Portlaoise once by mistake. It was like Killarney, but without the lakes and mountains. Imagine. Anyway, I don’t want you to worry about a thing. There’s no problem if your wife is having an affair and you end up divorced and selling the family home. The property market is so hot again that people are actually being forced to buy houses in Macroom. I hope now I’ve been of some assistance.
Can you play hurling? I usually feel so sorry for Irish people who go to live in Dubai. It must be hard moving to a barren wasteland, completely devoid of any culture. But then again, you moved from Kilkenny, so you probably didn’t notice any difference. (Sorry to be the one to tell you, but comedy festivals don’t really pass as culture in the rest of the world.) People who move back to Cork now are amazed at the difference. All of us are either working for Apple or in an Asian Street Food restaurant. The recent expansion at the Apple plant in Hollyhill is the talk of the town. You’ll find most people on the southside are asking the same question — where’s Hollyhill?
No need to ask a Cork guy if he went to a fee-paying school. He’ll mention it within 10 seconds of meeting you
