Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo going on? Myself and herself are planning a trip up to Cork to sample the Christmas atmosphere. When are ye turning on the lights? ––Teddy Dan Micky Andy, the far side of Knocknagoshel.

The lights come on next Thursday, November 19. Given where you live, you’d probably want to leave straight away. It’s a long drive from 1974. Still, it’s better than heading west for Killarney. It’s hard to get into the Christmas spirit when people all round you are still bursting into tears and saying “we losht the All-Ireland, that foul on Donaghy was definitely a peno.” You could always wait a few more weeks for the Christmas market to open on the Grand Parade. Nothing says Christmas more than buying an over-priced bar of soap from a hippy. I suppose he doesn’t have any use for it, says you

I want to spend €1,000 on the kids in the run-up to Christmas, as I tend to ignore them for the rest of the year because I love the gym. What would you recommend? –– Deirdre, Rochestown Road, in a house so big it has two Eircodes and its own bus-stop (for the staff!!)

Be careful. I hear they’re leaving all sorts on the flights to Lapland these days. My posh cousin from Upper Glanmire ended up sitting next to the fella who reads her gas meter. He kept trying to talk to her. The cheek of some people. Worse again, they got to Lapland and there was no snow. It was just a barren wasteland with miserable little people in ridiculous outfits. She might as well have just driven to Tipperary. Here’s my advice. Buy the kids a couple of new iPads and head to the gym. You know you want to.

Bonjour. I have just started a new role here in Cork as a manager in a small company. My first job is to organise a meal for the Christmas Party. What do Irish people like to eat at these things? –– Claudine, Lyons and now Cork.

What do Irish people like to eat at the Christmas party? The face off each other, as far as I can see. (Which wasn’t very far at last year’s office bash. You’d be amazed how blind you’d get after seven Slippery Nipples.) The favourite cuisine at an Irish Christmas party is known as finger food. This can be eaten standing up, which means nobody has to sit next to Eric from IT. If you think talking to Eric for an hour couldn’t be that bad, then seriously, he’s all yours. Finger food is also greasy. This is very reassuring to Irish people, who like to ‘line their stomach’ in the hope it will stop them from puking into their shoe on Oliver Plunkett Street at four in the morning. (It so doesn’t work.)

My big worry this time of year is the amount of junk that is available in supermarkets. Don’t people realise that chocolate can kill them? What is the best way to avoid the gluttony at Christmas time? — Hugh, Sundays Well, smugly eating a bowl of artisan granola, if you don’t mind.

Sorry, Hugh, but I think you’re losing sight of the real purpose of Christmas. Which is to give everyone an excuse to polish off a tin of Roses on a Tuesday night in mid-November. I also think you should be careful of the terms you use. One person’s junk is another person’s substitute for sex. (My poor Conor doesn’t get a look in until mid-January. The break does him good.) Speaking of chocolate, you could always go for darker bars with a high cacao percentage. You know the ones that you end up nibbling like a mouse because they are so disgusting. They sound like they might be right up your alley.

C’mere I was watching your one Saoirse Ronan doing interviews recently for her movie about the one who went to America and missed her Mam. Anyway, it struck me she’s after getting a fierce Dublin accent, even though she was reared in Carlow. Now, I can understand why someone from Carlow would want to hide the fact, but why choose a Dublin accent, like. What’s wrong with Cork? –– Gerry ‘Tanora Razza Spiced Beef English Market Wan of our Own’, Albert Road.

You should never ask a Cork person what’s wrong with Cork, Gerry. They’ll just feel obliged to make something up so that other cities don’t feel bad about themselves. I don’t think a fierce Cork accent would have worked for Saoirse in Los Angeles. It not’s great for work prospects when people suspect you are having some kind of fit. Most Cork people tend to change their accent if they want to get ahead in showbiz. Mind you, that doesn’t explain why Graham Norton speaks like he’s third in line to the throne.