Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hey there. I’m the manager of a great bunch of guys in our Cork office and they’ve invited me to fly over from San Francisco for their Christmas party. I am so psyched right now. What should I expect? - Wendy, San Francisco, so psyched right now.

I’d advise you to expect the worst, Wendy. Here is how it will go. You will get stuck sitting next to Seamie from Charleville. He will be very keen to tell you all that’s good about Charleville. This should only take about five seconds, but try and tell that to Seamie as he recounts the day himself and the lads sat on the wall outside Topaz for eight hours solid. You will probably all head back to Seamie’s house afterwards. There will be a lad wearing a Newtownshandrum jersey asleep behind the couch. Do not talk to this guy under any circumstances. First of all, Newtownshandrum makes Charleville look like Barcelona. Secondly, he will try and get off with you.

It’s the golden rule of Irish parties. The guy in the GAA jersey always lobs the gob.

C’mere, myself and Donie are driving to Bosnia for the soccer match next Friday. He do have the Ford Sierra painted green and all for the occasion like. The thing is, I’ve hardly ever been outside Cork before (I went to Waterford once by mistake). What do you think I should look out for? -Gerry ‘Dowcha Boy One of Our Own’, Togher.

People in Europe like to drive on the right. Or as it’s widely known in Cork, the wrong side of the road. I know this is going to come as a surprise now — but there is a chance you will bump into people in Europe who have never heard of Cork. Worse, they might well live in a city that looks slightly more spectacular than Cork. We’ve had complaints in the past about Cork men standing at the edge of Lake Geneva shouting, “Fair enough like, but it’s hardly the Lough.”

I’m starting to get worried about my husband. He has suddenly started going to a lot of ‘work conventions’ and he called me Agnieska the other night when we were making love. Do you think he might be having an affair? -Kate, Wilton.

I notice your name isn’t Agnieska. So things don’t look great. Particularly if she is one of those eastern European stunners. As if there’s any other kind. I had to ban my Conor from going into town because he kept getting whiplash when one of them walks past. Here is how you catch your husband out. Announce that you are having an affair with a married man in Kinsale. (That sounds plausible because monogamy down there is about as popular as dental hygiene in Kilmallock.) At that point, your will should blurt out that he is also having an affair. Unless he isn’t. Awkward. Sure you might as well find a married man in Kinsale for a fling after that. Trust me, it’s as easy as it sounds.

Guten Tag. I was going to come to Cork for my holidays, but I noticed that there are plans for a Center Parcs holiday village in Longford. What can you tell me about this county? - Jurgen, Cologne

I can’t tell you anything about Longford. It isn’t on the way to Dublin, Killarney, Thurles, Limerick or Knock. So no Cork person has ever been there. Looking at it here on the map, I can see it is surrounded by counties Roscommon, Leitrim and Cavan. I think I’m right in saying that this part of the country is populated be people who did something wrong in a past life. I wouldn’t fancy your chances of enjoyment here. (You’d have better luck trying to teach a Killorglin woman how to play Noughts and Crosses.) My guess is you’d just end up consoling slack-jawed locals, devastated that they weren’t born in Cork. So why not come here and see what they are missing?

Just because we’re rich doesn’t mean we’re snobs. We always thought we wouldn’t mind who our daughter Leyla went out with, as long as she was happy. Until the other day, when she announced she’s seeing a kickboxer from The Glen. (His father drives a bus. I’ve never even been on one.) I haven’t cried so much since Meadows & Byrne moved out of town. (I had to go into Debenhams the other day to buy some plates !!) Anyway, do you know how we might nip Leyla’s romance at the bud? -Rowena, Blackrock, we’re in the market for a helicopter.

Stop your worrying. Here is your two-step guide to solving the problem. 1: Invite the kickboxer over for dinner. 2: Be yourself. I’d safely say you’ll never see him again. Unless he’s a bit foolish after all the kicks to the head.