If Kim and Kanye ruled the White House

Kanye West announced his intention to run for the White House at this week’s VMA awards,

If Kim and Kanye ruled the White House

IT IS January 21, 2021. In Washington DC crowds have gathered on the Mall for the inauguration of the 46th President of the United States. But there is a hiccup. The President elect’s plan to arrive by helicopter, bungee jump onto stage and rap the Oath of Office (he’s come up with a sick grime beat for the occasion) are unravelling. The head of the IMF has just scorched the Commander in Chief on Twitter (that’s Nicki Minaj for you) and, in a strop, he refuses to leave his dressing room. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to day one of the Kanye West administration.

When the world’s most famous/controversial/lampooned rapper announced his intention to run for the White House at this week’s VMA awards, you could have heard the titters of derision from Pluto’s moons. Not content with reshaping commercial hip-hop in his own image, bum-rushing Taylor Swift (at an earlier VMAs), and turning toting a Versace shopping bag into performance art, how grindingly predictable that Kanye should believe he has a shot at leading the free world. A$AP Rocky, by such logic, might soon be angling for the Papacy and Daniel O’Donnell will be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing. Clearly no right thinking person believes such ludicrous fantasies have a chance of becoming reality.

But let’s allow our imaginations off the leash momentarily and try to picture what a West presidency might resemble. It would obviously be loud and crass — with the doors of the White House flung open to the cameras that follow theoretical First Lady Kim Kardashian everywhere. In addition to handguns and ear-pieces, the secret service would henceforth be required to pack emergency selfie-sticks while the “E pluribus unum” motto of the President seal of office would be replaced by the more upbeat and contemporary “YOLO!” (ask a young person). What else would change?

1. Tensions over Iranian nuclear proliferation to be settled by rap battle

Kanye doesn’t have time for turgid negotiations and endless brinkmanship. Yo — he’s the PRESIDENT. Jay Z is on the line, Katy Perry has just tagged him on Instagram and there’s that Dolce and Gabbana thing he has to go tonight. Rather than months of tedious back and forth, Iran’s future nuclear strategy will instead be settled by a rap contest between President Yeezus (the name by which he was sworn into office) and the Supreme Leader. S*** just got metaphysical.

2. Russian aggression in Ukraine to be countered by strategic deployment of negative tweets

Vladimir Putin has faced down oligarchs, insurgents in the Caucuses and an international community of minority rights activists. It’s time for the nuclear option — a targeted Twitter onslaught of such ferocity that it makes the venerable Taylor Swift/Nicki Minaj tangle of 2015 look like the tiptoe through the daffodils. First Kanye will throw Putin off guard by live-tweeting random thoughts from the front row of New York Fashion Week, then — bam! — Kim will go for a major artery with some of her choicest 142 character disses.

3. Mount Rushmore likeness of Thomas Jefferson to be replaced with scale replica of Kim’s booty

Thomas Jefferson presided the Louisiana Purchase, backed the Lewis and Clark expedition and prohibited slave importation to the United States. But, hey, what’s he done lately? It’s been ages since he even tweeted. So it is right and proper his visage no longer adorns one of America’s iconic landmarks. Instead we can finally see Kim’s booty from space (until now it was only visible from near-earth orbit).

4. The Grand Canyon to be renamed “Grand Kanye”

How better to honour America’s second African-American president than by naming a great landmark in his honour? If you think it’s a bit crass and short term consider that Kanye had to be talked out of his first option of making “Flo Rida” the official spelling of the Sunshine State.

5. Kanye to boost credibility of his administration by naming Bon Iver Secretary of State

On his landmark 2010 album My Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy, Kanye’s won the approval of critics by collaborating with angsty alternative singer Justin Vernon, aka Bon Iver. With his poll numbers languishing in the low 40s Kanye hopes to once again boost his popularity, this time by having his bearded bro sit at cabinet. Vernon’s avant-garde eclectism and self-abasing lyrics are just what is required to push the President’s ambitious package of environmental reforms through Congress.

6. America’s drone programme to be redesignated “Operation Kardashian”

No longer will we be required to lie awake at night wondering what a member of the Kardashian clan is doing RIGHT NOW. With state of the art drones tracking the family’s every moment, worries that a significant Kardashian life event might not be captured on camera may be, at last, be discounted.

7. The Star-Spangled Banner to be replaced by gold digger as US national anthem

The alternative was Diamonds From Sierra Leone. Which would you rather sit through before a baseball game?

8. Nimitz-class aircraft carrier Dwight D Eisenhower to be equipped with “dope” sound system and shark tank

What’s the point in flexing your military-industrial muscle before the world, if you don’t have the knock-out tunes to match? If you think all those insurgents and tin-pot despots are afraid of Uncle Sam at the moment, imagine how terrified they’re going to be in when the USS Eisenhower hoves into view to the strains of Niggas in Paris. The shark tank is because Kanye thinks sharks are cool.

9: Referring to Kanye West as “celebrity” to be made a federal crime

Kanye is a visionary musician, fashion icon and, now, world bestriding politician. Henceforth any suggestion that his fame is owed to his celebrity wife, outré fashion choices and barking Twitter feed could see you in the slammer. Hey, it’s not all bad - those orange jumpsuits have been redesigned by Vera Wang.

10. America to confront gun violence in a rational and constructive manner

Okay, time to stop. Now we’re just being silly.

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