Take no blame when dealing with embarrassing behaviour

YOU have to give me back my socks — my child screamed, as her play-date headed out the door with her mum, the socks she’d borrowed earlier from my daughter still on her feet. 

My little one’s impulse to share only extended so far and she was letting everyone know.

When it comes to children’s behaviour, scope for parental embarrassment is vast. From tantrums to acting out at family gatherings, from refusing to play with his cousins to telling your friend she’s too fat, there’ll be plenty of times you’ll wish you could just make a quick exit.

Embarrassment, says parent coach Marian Byrne, is evoked by one’s perceptions of what others are thinking.

“It’s worry about what others think. You feel you’re not doing things ‘right’ — that if you were, your child wouldn’t say or do what he did. You maybe feel the person looking on would have done things better.”

But the reality is you don’t know what other people are thinking. People might not be judging you negatively — they might just be thinking ‘I used to hate when my son did that — I’m glad he has grown out of it’.

Byrne recommends focusing on you and your child and not on what you perceive others to be thinking.

“Consider what’s going on for your child and acknowledge that. His behaviour is prompted by his trying to deal with something difficult but he can’t articulate it.”

She advises being curious about what’s causing the behaviour that’s creating embarrassment for you. Does your child need your attention? Is he in a noisy, crowded environment that’s overwhelming him? Does he need you to set boundaries or teach him an important lesson?

It’s important to be aware of your reactions when you feel embarrassed by your child. Steer clear of justifying or making excuses.

“Avoid playing to the crowd. Avoid talking about the child in front of him. And stop apologising,” counsels Byrne, adding that you need to stay consistent and act as you would at home.

If, for example, you normally give a child space to resolve a tantrum, resist any urge to give him what he wants simply because you have an audience.

Byrne advises being aware of the kind of behaviour that will trigger an embarrassed reaction in you. Have a plan for when it occurs.

It won’t stop you feeling embarrassed but it will give you a feeling of control and you will also be taking action around your child’s inappropriate behaviour.

TOP TIPS

* Keep perspective — just because you feel intense embarrassment doesn’t mean the child’s behaviour is extreme.

* Give minimum attention to the behaviour in the moment — later talk to the child about what occurred and what an alternative behaviour might be.

* Laugh about it — bringing some lightness to the situation helps everyone move on quickly.

* Have a plan for situations that trigger embarrassment.