When kids behave badly, just keep calm
Keep calm. It’s a safe bet that it’s the first bit of advice you’ll hear from most parenting ‘experts’. But it can be easier said than done when your child seems to know so well how to test your limits.
Val Mullally, parent coach and author of Behave — What To Do When Your Child Won’t, identifies a few child behaviours that often push parents’ buttons.
“When they say ‘no’, when they say ‘I can’t’ and also when they use ‘why’ as a deliberate stalling tactic. Dawdling is another — when the child doesn’t get on and do what we need him to do.”
The bottom line is we tend to lose our cool when our child isn’t co-operating with our parenting agenda. We’re human, after all, so instead of staying calm we can very easily react by increasing our volume. But while this might get a response the first time, its efficacy is likely to be short-lived.
“Keep using it and two years down the line increased volume will have become the status quo. It will bring disharmony but it certainly won’t get the reaction you want, ” says Mullally.
So how can we steer ourselves towards remaining calm rather than flying off the handle? An obvious way is to try and minimise situations that test parental patience. Routine is invaluable in avoiding everything becoming a battle.
“Create routine,” advises Mullally, “so the child knows ‘we do this, this and this’. When children have a routine, things flow more smoothly.”
Transition times in particular — for example moving from playtime to bedtime — can be flashpoints of child non-cooperation and parent’s temper flaring.
“Transitions are always challenging. The more you create a routine around them, the more likely you are to be able to flow through them easily. Remember to give your child wind-down time. Warn him five minutes before it’s time to tidy up his toys and again one minute before tidy up so that he can begin mentally preparing for it.”
“It can help you remain calm if you remember a few key truths,” says Mullally.
“Your child’s behaviour is about him — your response is about you. And it is your responsibility to stay the adult in a situation. You don’t want two people having a tantrum,” she points out.
"Bear in mind that ‘the more I (parent) insist, the more you (child) resist’. “We don’t need to hook into every situation.”
And if your child’s acting up and your stress levels are soaring, why not change the energy by changing the activity — get everybody out for a walk in the park rather than staying cooped up together in the house.
* Become aware of your breathing and focus on it.
* Give yourself ‘time out’ for some moments — do so in a way that won’t make child feel abandoned.
* Resistance often comes when parents are under pressure — make time for own needs.
* Clench your hands tight as you breathe in. Release them as you exhale. This turns down body’s fight-flight response, so you feel calmer.
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