Expert advice on dealing with Christmas stress
We look at five top seasonal stressors and consider how we can get cool, calm and collected for Christmas.
Your first Christmas with your new partner — you’ve got your kids, his are with his ex, yours go to their dad on St Stephen’s Day.
The life cycle of a step-family takes between five and seven years to settle down, says couples counsellor and psychotherapist Lisa O’Hara. “It’s quite a complex unit with a lot of people and a lot of people’s needs looking to get met. At Christmas, the needs of all these individuals are magnified.”
Whether a step-family has been created after death or separation, it has been born out of loss, says O’Hara. This is often compounded at Christmas. “Somebody always has to do without — somebody doesn’t have their children or doesn’t have both parents.”
Prioritise children’s needs. Step-families do better when the needs of children are kept as the main focus, says O’Hara. “It requires each parent to be more adult— if there’s a disagreement, avoid taking it out on children.
If age appropriate, ask children ‘What would you like to do for Christmas? What would you like to be included?’ If it’s ‘I want to see Dad on Christmas morning’ or ‘I want to go to my cousin’s because we always did that’, can this be accommodated? If not, explain why and acknowledge disappointment. “When children feel they’re being considered, they’re more likely to buy into Christmas.”
Establish Christmas arrangements as early as possible and stick to your word. Notice and acknowledge feelings. If your child’s missing her dad on Christmas morning, reassure her it’s OK to feel sad. Saying ‘Granny will be here soon — put a smile on your face’ isolates the child emotionally, causing stress.
If your partner’s children are acting up, it’s not your role to step in as parent, warns O’Hara. “It’s the parent’s job to address it, with you in a supporting role.”
A blended family bring together different Christmas traditions — perhaps you’ve always opened presents on Christmas morning, while your partner and his children usually waited ’til after dinner. Step-families have to negotiate this, says O’Hara. “The ideal is to be able to bring some traditions from both and create new ones as a step-family.”
It’s your turn this year. Extended family will shortly descend on your home for the Christmas festivities. The stress has started already — your husband’s imagining you and your sisters in a gossipy huddle, while he has to listen to his brothers-in-law talk forever about golf. You’re thinking about how you must warn the children — please don’t make that face in front of granny, don’t pass that comment in Aunt Mary’s hearing.
Counselling psychologist Owen Connolly advises setting very clear parameters.
Even if you’re driving the Christmas campaign, share the load. Give everyone a job on Christmas Day, either at the preparatory or tidying-up phase. When people have a stake in the Christmas celebration, they’re less likely to ambush it.
Consider the personalities of your guests and try to keep the conversation away from thorny topics. Avoid conversation or banter around a subject that causes you upset, says Connolly. “If an in-law says something that winds you up the wrong way, have the courage to say ‘this is Christmas – let’s not discuss this now’.”
* Try to give everybody a bit of what they want. If two relatives haven’t met in ages and you know they’re dying to get re-acquainted, seat them together. If your sister-in-law loves a particular Christmas song, let it play in the background.
* Games can be a very enjoyable diversionary tactic. “Focusing on charades or word games keeps people from engaging with each other in problematic ways.”
* Connolly recommends being careful around alcohol. “Why not consider having a glass of wine only at the meal. You don’t want to put anybody at risk – it can create panic if you know someone has had an array of drinks and they’ve got to drive home with the children. You don’t need the stress.”
* Set clear start and finish times. “Get everybody out of the house by 6 or 7pm. Your guests will enjoy it all the more. They’ll feel they have something of the celebration left over for themselves— they can go home and sit down to watch a Christmas film.”
Your child has opened his presents, registered that what he really, really wanted isn’t there and is having a serious meltdown.
How stressed you feel will be in direct proportion to the level of meaning you attach to this situation, says Brenda Roche, counsellor and positive psychology coach and trainer.
“Parents who feel they need to fix everything and make everything good for their children are likely to feel quite stressed. If they see the disappointment as very significant, they will feel quite badly.”
Roche believes parents must first manage their own emotions. It will help if they accept it’s OK for children to feel disappointed sometimes — things haven’t necessarily gone badly if the child has a meltdown.
Keep perspective. “Children get over-excited or tired and this impacts on their emotions. They also quickly bounce back. They adapt quickly to circumstances, just as they adapt fast to getting the gift they wanted — it’s soon taken for granted.”
Some negative emotion is normal, points out Roche. “We don’t have to immediately rescue children. Allow kids to express emotion. See if you can understand what they’re feeling and respond to that. Don’t escalate things by criticising them for their response. Teach them how to handle disappointment and move on.”
Manage expectations. Have honest conversations about what you feel are appropriate spending amounts and gifts. “Even if your child wants a surprise, make sure they know the limits of that. Ask what kind of surprise they’re thinking of so you have an idea of scale,” advises Roche.
Change the emphasis at Christmas. Materialism undermines wellbeing. “Parents have a key role in ensuring materialistic values don’t dominate Christmas. Encourage activities that really help happiness and wellbeing. Spend time with loved ones. Teach children the importance of experiences rather than material things. The peak experiences they’ll remember years hence will be a game they played or a bit of fun they had.”
A 2013 survey by Money Advice and Budgeting Service found almost 3,000 of MABS new clients had an average of just €560 disposable income over the 12 months after paying off priority bills (before full year’s Property Tax and before paying creditors). “There’s a large cohort of people who really find it difficult financially all the time. Christmas is a time they really dread,” says MABS spokesperson Michael Culloty.
Even if your finances aren’t so straitened, Christmas can really tax your personal and household economy, especially if you have children. “At work there can be demands too to socialise, pressure to stay in the game,” says Culloty.
Know how much money you can spend without creating difficulties for yourself in January. Discuss with family the difference between needs and wants — see if you can get everybody just a little of what they want for Christmas.
Don’t be tempted to spend money that you’d stashed away to pay bills— otherwise you’ll face a bleak January and February. “Consider talking to your mortgage provider about taking a payment holiday over Christmas,” suggests Culloty.
Talk with immediate and wider family about how to reduce financial pressure. Put a cap on what you will spend on each other. Kris Kindle — assigning to each family member another member for whom they will buy a low-cost gift— “can be quite cost-effective and fun,” says Culloty.
Discuss with family what you can do together at Christmas that’s fun and free or relatively inexpensive — nature walks, visiting family/friends. Invite people to your house and ask them to bring drinks or savoury/sweet snacks.
Avoid wasting food. Plan meals and stick to your plan. “Some people buy as if the shops are going to be closed for a month.”
Avoid borrowing —you’re simply ensuring another New Year bill. Instead talk with MABS, advises Culloty, especially if you’re wondering if you meet the criteria for the Debt Relief Notice. This is an insolvency service, accessed through MABS, for those on low income with no assets — debts of €20,000 can be wiped out if you meet certain criteria (phone 076 107 2000).
The house to be cleaned and decorated, presents to be shopped for and wrapped, food to be bought and cooked — when you’ve got so much on your plate, you can end up feeling constantly behind. “Like there’s stuff you’ve got to watch out for, stuff hanging over you. Carrying around this baggage of worry is mentally and emotionally exhausting,” says Owen Fitzpatrick, psychologist and author of The Charismatic Edge (www.owenfitzpatrick.com).
Do a brain dump by making a list. “It’s your organising list— it’s not so you can look at it and feel inadequate.”
Sequence and schedule your list— what’s the first, second and third thing you need to do? Fitzpatrick recently bought 26 Christmas presents all in one afternoon. “I made a list of who I had to buy for and what I was going to buy them, even the shops where I’d buy each gift. And if I didn’t know what I was going to buy [a particular person], I still knew the shop I’d go to. I had a schedule and a strategy.”
The 20 minutes preparation saved Fitzpatrick three or four days. “I saw it as shopping with a purpose rather than browsing — you can schedule browsing for another time.”
Drawing up your organising list, as well as having a schedule and a strategy, gives you control. “Things are stressful when you feel out of control and overwhelmed. Feeling in control is critical.” Plan to buy three or four identical small presents (soap/candle/jam) for those unexpected visitors who tend to pop up at Christmas.
Be aware of why you’re buying presents or cooking Christmas dinner. Visualise the child’s smile when he gets your gift. “Why are you cooking dinner? Not so it can be perfect but to spend time with family and to be grateful,” says Fitzpatrick.
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