How to get your child to stop swearing

Helen O’Callaghan  reveal some essential tips on tackling kids using swear words. 

WHEN children use language that society deems rude or offensive — such as swear words — they often don’t understand what the word means. But they do know it’s loaded with meaning.

“They learn very quickly exactly how to use it and in what context,” says psychologist Niamh Hannan ( www.mindworks.ie ).

If your 18-month-old comes out with a swear word, it might seem funny or cute but if your reaction is to laugh you’re guaranteed to hear the word more. By age five, however, the child knows this is a word that shouldn’t be used. If they do so repeatedly, you need to tackle it. Hannan advises first talking to the child without making too much fuss.

“Reacting strongly means they’ll likely attach a lot of meaning to it — they’ll use it to get at you,” says Hannan, who suggests saying ‘In this house, we don’t use that word — it’s rude and not very nice’.

“That’ll often be enough, though they may need a gentle reminder.”

If the behaviour persists, you may need to add a consequence. For younger children, this could be a couple of minutes of time out. For older children, a swear jar. If they get €1 a day pocket money, five cents is deducted each time they swear. “You say: ‘that’s another five cents deducted from your €1 today. I really want to give you the rest of your money so you know what to do: clean up your language’.”

Hannan emphasises the importance of small, repeatable consequences — for three reasons: it’s easier for parent to stick to small consequences, it’s easier to repeat them and you can slightly grow your consequence if the behaviour escalates.

She also recommends teaching children alternative language they can use if they get angry or frustrated. “Don’t just jump to the conclusion that they’re using bad language to be bold or provocative. They may be genuinely cross. If you’re seeing a mood being expressed, say: it seems like you’re a bit frustrated but we don’t use that word — instead you can say ‘sugar’ or ‘fiddlesticks’.”

It’s almost a natural law, says Hannan: you get more of what you focus on. “We tend to put our focus on the bad stuff — we need to focus on what we want to grow.” Instead of reacting very strongly to bad language, praise all the good language and new words. “Whatever you put your attention into grows.”

Parents need to watch their own language. While swear words may be commonplace in the schoolyard or seem trendy because peers use them, you can better enforce the rule — no bad language in this house — if you’re not resorting to rude words yourself.

THE FOUR THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

1. Clean up your own language.

2. Avoid strong reactions – swear words lose their fascination.

3. Acknowledge that other people may use foul language – but ‘in our house we don’t’.

4. Give them alternative words to express frustration.