Bed-sharing with your child

YOU never meant it to happen but there are three in the bed — you, your partner and your toddler. 

Nobody’s getting proper sleep. Your deepest wish is for your child to be sleeping independently, tucked up in his own room — and for you to have some serious shut-eye, as well as some couple space with your partner.

Studies suggest as many as half of all parents bed-share with their child at some point. Paediatric sleep consultant Lucy Wolfe distinguishes between two groups of bed-sharers: those who plan to co-sleep as part of a philosophy of attachment parenting and those who never planned it but find themselves in the grip of reactive bed-sharing.

“They have a relatively sleepless child and end up bringing him into bed with them in an effort to get more sleep for them and the child.”

Wolfe identifies two critical points when reactive bed-sharing can happen — during the first six months when it takes time for baby to establish good sleep and at any time after, perhaps during a period of sickness or travel.

“All it takes is for parents to react by bringing the child into their bed — it can very quickly become ingrained.”

Edel Gargan of the Baby Sleep Academy sees the problem arising when a child moves from cot to bed.

“He realises he can hop out of bed and get lots of parental attention. It becomes a means to an end — the parent bed-shares just to get some sleep.”

Wolfe works with children up to age six but is aware of 12-year-olds who still sleep in their parents’ bed. Generally, with older children who aren’t independent sleepers, Wolfe sees it as a behavioural problem with parents facilitating the behaviour.

“Parents may be present when child’s going to sleep — lying with them, holding them, rubbing them. When parents assist sleep, children find it difficult to consolidate sleep without parental assistance. Children naturally go through sleep cycles but if they have ingrained parent-dependent behaviour, they’ll wake up fully and call on the parent to help them.”

With dad often consigned to the spare room while mum bed-shares with child — or dad in a bed with one child and mum in a separate bed with another child — it becomes a case of musical beds. Repercussions are considerable, says Wolfe.

“Children who aren’t independent sleepers have broken sleep, which negatively impacts on health, wellbeing, cognitive development, mood and behaviour. Bed-sharing doesn’t mend the problem — parents also endure lots of broken sleep.”

Wolfe sees very emotional parents who feel on the brink of nervous breakdown, as well as parents who are coping but worry the practice isn’t good for their child, plus they want personal time with their partner.

Relationships counsellor Lisa O’Hara believes bed-sharing with your child can cost you your intimate relationship with your partner.

“Your bed is your sacred space as a couple. Children are natural distancers in a relationship. They tend to change the focus. It becomes all about child-rearing — there can be loss of closeness between partners.”

She urges parents to keep investing in their relationship as a couple. “Can you work together to move your child out of your bed? Is it possible to talk it out in a non-defensive way so as not to blame the other [partner] or make them the problem?”

Changing the situation for the child involves what Wolfe calls ‘sleep manners’ — you tell your child you’re going to have a new way of going to sleep. Key elements include having a focused bedtime, which takes place in child’s bedroom but not in or on his bed.“You preserve the bed as a place for this child only to sleep.”

Create positive sleep associations and get child invested in having their own space by giving them ownership of it — let them decorate it. “Make a book of photos of your house, each person’s bedroom and the process of the bedtime routine,” suggests Wolfe, who recommends a ‘gradual retreat’ as a sleep-learning technique.

“Over three consecutive nights, stay with child for a length of time in different locations in the room — beside bed, middle of room, by door-frame. Once lights go out, limit dialogue, no conversation, just one sentence repeated if necessary.”

Factors like diet, exercise and timing of sleep matter. “Timing of bed is essential to minimise crying and upset and to enable the brain to be open to learning a new way of doing things.”

You also need to be sensitive around when to embark on a new sleep routine, particularly if a toddler has been bed-sharing and a new and needy baby comes along. “Ideally parents deal with the situation in the middle trimester of pregnancy. Otherwise, baby needs to be at least six weeks old before they begin working on the toddler’s sleep so he doesn’t feel he’s being usurped by the new arrival.”

Wolfe estimates it can take about six weeks to get your child out of your bedroom.

Case study

Solicitor Susie Travers and her army commandant husband, Ian, live in Kinsale and have two children, Emma, two, and Darragh, 12 weeks.

“We bed-shared with Emma. We did everything we needed to survive. I was breast-feeding exclusively. I’d take her into our bed to feed. If she settled I wouldn’t dare move her in case she woke — I was so sleep-deprived.

“We did it from the start. She’d had quite a traumatic birth and it comforted her, snuggling up with me. I was terrified of killing her – I’d been told about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).”

“I’d wake up with a jolt and, more often than not, I’d have transferred her to her basket. We stopped bed-sharing when she was five months. We needed to get her into a proper routine — she wasn’t sleeping anywhere. We had a nap schedule — three a day with proper intervals in between and then a full night’s sleep in her cot.

“We bed-share with Darragh, but in a controlled way. He feeds lying down between the two of us. Afterwards, I always put him back in his cot. [Other than that] bed-sharing isn’t for me. I work full-time and need a full night’s sleep. I’m so protective of our routine now. Emma got the message. She gets lots of kisses and cuddles but she has her own space for sleeping and she’s happier. Children can get touched-out.”

* Professor Mark Baker of the British National Institute for Health and Care Excellence says falling asleep with baby, whether in bed, sofa or chair, is risky. “It’s imperative all parents know about the association between SIDS and falling asleep with a child under age one. This is especially important if parents drink alcohol, take drugs or expose baby to tobacco smoke.”