Sex advice: Talking will lead to more touching

Q. My girlfriend is a really great and generous person, but she is lazy in bed, and barely ever bothers with foreplay.

I’ve tried to discuss it before and ask her to indulge me every so often, but she starts and gives up after a few minutes, letting me take the lead. I don’t want to force her to do anything she seems reluctant to do, but I’d like us to take turns.

A. While I can see why you might interpret your girlfriend’s sexual reticence as “laziness”, people who are genuinely lazy as lovers tend to be fairly unappealing in other areas too. Since your girlfriend’s reluctance to reciprocate seems so incongruent with her otherwise generous personality, I would suggest that her behaviour reflects some underlying anxiety, uncertainty or inexperience around sex.

Fear of failure can be so immobilising that it seems safer to do nothing, than to do something that might potentially lead to humiliation or rejection. And since a woman who feels very anxious about foreplay is unlikely to feel confident sharing her apprehensions, adopting a passive sexual role may seem like an effective way for her to hide her perceived inadequacies.

It is also possible your girlfriend believes it isn’t feminine to be sexually assertive. Although we are fortunate to live in a century where sexual pleasure is a mutual entitlement, being passive has always been synonymous with femininity, and studies show men and women still feel compelled to conform to gender roles during sexual encounters (Rohlinger, 2002; Sanchez, Crocker & Boike, 2005). Although gender roles are delineated by a host of cultural, social, and personal influences, female sexual passivity appears to be a pan-cultural phenomenon.

Studies from 30 countries show that as sexual partners, women are expected to be submissive, caring and concerned, whereas men are expected to be dominant and sexually assertive (Bernard, 1966; Gagnon & Simon, 1973; Sprecher & McKinney, 1993).

The bad news is that research by psychologists Amy Kiefer and Diana Sanchez (2007) at the University of California and Rutgers University shows sexual passivity predicts poor sexual functioning and less overall sexual satisfaction — for both genders. In contrast, sexual agency has the opposite effect. It increases libido and pleasure (Kiefer, Sanchez, Kalinka & Ybarra, 2006; Sanchez et al, 2006).

At the beginning of a relationship, we rarely notice potential sexual difficulties or inequities. When we are infatuated, sexual chemistry provides arousal without need to communicate sexual preferences. However, when the initial bolt of lust subsides, if we haven’t developed the capacity to talk openly about sex, we are not equipped to deal with sexual difficulties should they arise.

Happy couples talk. They talk about their jobs, their families, their hopes, their dreams, and their sex life. The rest cling to an outdated notion that sex is an instinct and therefore everyone should automatically know what to do. In reality, we all need to help each other out and actually explain that we’d prefer it if they didn’t tweak there, but we really like it when they stroke here.

Telepathy is a lousy medium for communicating sexual preferences, and if you want to change the dynamic in this relationship, you need to talk to your girlfriend. Ask her why she gives up so easily and explain why it bothers you. Although lack of sexual communication cuts both ways, women in particular can find it difficult to gauge the pace or force required to deliver manual or oral stimulation. What you need to explain, is that the sense of “otherness” a man experiences from someone else’s touch is incomparable to the self-stimulation he can provide himself. Starting an open dialogue about sex can feel awkward at first, but once you give each other permission to be honest about your needs, you enable authentic mutual sexual exploration. And that is a million times more rewarding than taking turns.

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