How to tell when your child wants to talk

YOUR child arrives home from school. “Did you have a good day?” you ask. The answer’s a monosyllabic “yes” or “no”.

When he was aged four to six, he chatted eagerly. Since becoming a tween things are different. How can you get him to talk about his school day?

Your motivation is key to a good conversation, says parent coach Val Mullally. Do you want to really connect with your child or hear their experience? Or are you ticking the boxes, wanting to know are they top of the class or did they get an A in a particular subject?

“Children sense where you’re coming from. If they sense you want to genuinely hear about their day and experiences, they’re far more likely to open up. If they feel you’re trying to tick all the boxes, they’ll probably get reticent and shut down.”

What Mullally calls “closed” questions – ‘did you have a good day at school?’ – are likely to yield ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers, whereas ‘how was school today?’ is likely to invite a larger response. “One of my favourite tools is the phrase ‘tell me more’ and then holding that listening space – the moment you jump in with a solution or judgment about what the child should have done, you shut down their thinking and the conversation.”

It’s well to accept that kids have their own lives – they don’t necessarily want to share every detail. “What matters is providing a safe space – they know if they need it, you will listen well and non- judgmentally,” says Mullally.

Mindful parenting will ensure you’re alert to cues that your child wants to talk (downcast eyes, tension in the body) and to cues that he doesn’t (dismissive sigh/tone of voice, attention elsewhere). “There’s a saying ‘the more you insist, the more I resist’,” says Mullally.

The best time to ask the child about his day is the time that’s good for him. “Children have their own individual rhythms. Some may want to talk while you’re busy in the kitchen or going for a walk and they’re alongside you. For others, it’s when they’re snuggling into bed, in those last few cosy minutes. This is why bedtime routines are important — the child is settling into bed, relaxed — often it’s the time you’ll hear what’s going on in their mind.”

* Val Mullally’s audio prelude to her forthcoming book, Behave! What to Do When Your Child Won’t, will be released shortly. www.koemba.com

TIPS

¦ The time you want to listen is not necessarily the time your child wants to talk.

¦ Create agenda-free space, where you do art, craft, jigsaws or walk with your child.

¦ Use open-ended questions; say ‘tell me more’.

¦ If a usually very chatty child suddenly stops talking, investigate.