My boyfriend doesn’t want sex in the missionary position

* My boyfriend seems to have no interest in sex in the missionary position, or indeed any positions where we are face to face, which feels quite demeaning to me.

Am I reading too much into this?

>>The weird thing about sex is that how it makes you “feel” tends to be how it “is”.

If, for example, you’ve indulged in lots of warm-fuzzy nuzzling and romantic pillow talk, your sexual experience is likely to “feel” loving. If sex “feels” naughty, you’ve probably done something that would make Great Aunt Mildred blush. If you have boring sex, you are not going to “feel” terribly excited about it, and if the sex you have feels “demeaning”, chances are, it probably is.

You have to be mindful of how it makes you feel because, assuming that you’ve used protection, when it’s over, your feelings are the only thing you take away from the experience. That said, it is also important to acknowledge that personal feelings are not always entirely reliable or objective.

We all view the world through the prism of our previous experiences and personal biases, so it is possible that your own underlying insecurities are making you overanalyse an aspect of your sex life that your boyfriend may be completely oblivious to.

Most people veer towards certain positions simply because they feel good, or are less energy intensive. Even in the missionary position, for example, he would have to support his torso. His choice to stand up or kneel probably feels better for him, and means that he has a better view of what is going on.

Some people need to fantasise to achieve orgasm and prefer certain positions where they can keep their eyes closed so their concentration remains unbroken. A much smaller percentage will avoid looking at their partners during sex because they are trying to delay ejaculation.

Men who have anatomical fetishes about, for example, feet, or bottoms, can only have sex when they can focus on that part of the body, but that’s pretty rare. Occasionally, men who have intimacy issues will avoid eye contact because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

However, since your boyfriend sounds like an otherwise uncomplicated chap and he clearly enjoys sex, I’m pretty sure his behaviour is just opportunistic, but the fact that he has a favourite position is not a valid reason for him not to consider the alternatives.

Sex is a democracy and it is never OK for a man to repeatedly impose his specific sexual predilections on his female partner. Besides being selfish, it also undermines your sexual pleasure since face-to-face positions provide much more clitoral stimulation. That said, the only reason your boyfriend has been able to indulge his partialities is because you have continually allowed him to do so.

Too many women, like you, give priority to male sexual pleasure at the expense of their own and say nothing.

The trouble with swallowing feelings of dissatisfaction is that they gradually poison your relationship, so the antidote is to speak up and ask for what you want. If you can voice your concerns and find out what motivates your boyfriend’s sexual behaviour, you might be able to reframe your own response.

So if your boyfriend has been taking advantage of the fact that you will always oblige, you may feel quite feel indignant. If he admits that he finds it difficult to climax in other positions, you will probably feel compassionate and are likely to encourage him to seek help, or attempt to change. Either way, what you won’t feel is “demeaned”.

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