Why a compatible marriage may not be magic between the sheets
You’ve got loads of common interests, chat lots and are great friends. So, with all this compatibility, why aren’t you seeing more action in the bedroom? Surely respecting each other so well as equals should make for better, hotter sex?
Not really, according to Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough. In the New York Times recently, she argued that couples who are best friends and divide the housework and childminding have far less sex.
MOVIES AS COUPLES THERAPY: In determining the list of relationship movies that might be useful to couples, the... http://t.co/hd6PG1kqNp
— Lori Gottlieb (@LoriGottlieb1) February 11, 2014
A psychotherapist who works with couples, she has found that even if the husband comes up trumps in terms of pot-washing and food-shopping, even if there’s good, open communication between him and his partner and both give equal weight to each other’s careers, the wife still isn’t going to find him any sexier. All this synchronicity isn’t going to make for steamier sex.
In her article, Gottlieb refers to experts such as sociologist and sexologist Pepper Schwartz, whose research bears out Gottlieb’s own observations. Schwartz finds that too much sameness between partners in an equal marriage results in boredom and less sex — that when they are too much alike, there’s less lust.
Sex experts on this side of the Atlantic say there’s certainly merit in Gottlieb’s argument. There’s a civility that happens in a marriage of equals. But sex is a different animal.
“Sex is primitive,” says psychosexual therapist Anne Mathews.
“In modern marriages, we’re married to our best friends. We’re very open and sharing but there’s no mystery anymore. Traditional roles were a bit more defined. The male was the provider, the female the home-maker. There was separateness.”
Plus, says Mathews, we’ve “kind of emasculated” our men. “There’s pressure on them even to look like women. We want them to get their backs waxed. But they are, in fact, males. They are hairier. That’s the way it’s meant to be.”
An alternate cover for my NY Times sex/marriage piece. Which do you like better? http://t.co/ZomLLsPQ8d
— Lori Gottlieb (@LoriGottlieb1) February 8, 2014
Gottlieb sets great store by the study, ‘Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage’, which appeared in the American Sociological Review last year, although it was collated from data gathered in the 1990s. It found when men did traditionally ‘feminine’-type household chores — cooking, laundry, hoovering — couples had sex 1.5 fewer times a month than when men did ‘masculine’ chores, like car-maintenance or yard-work. In fact, marriages where men did lots of ‘male’ chores enjoyed a 17.5% higher frequency of sexual intercourse than those in which the husband did no tasks.
A male taking care of something on a woman’s behalf — ferrying out heavy bins for collection, cleaning the gutters — brings up the masculine archetype, which is strong and protective, says relationships counsellor Lisa O’Hara.
“That can be very desirable, much more desirable than a fellow who has gloves and a pinny on doing the washing-up.”
Clinical sexologist Emily Power Smith suggests women be upfront and say to their husbands: “I like to see you bending over the car getting sweaty.”
The key seems to be that men and women are equal but they are not the same, so they each need to flag what makes him a man and her a woman — they need to keep their differences in bold and sexy focus.
“Desire is created in the gap, which is where difference lies,” says O’Hara. “We want our men to be emotionally sensitive and tuned in but we want them to keep their masculinity as well because we want to fancy that. It’s a tall and often impossible order.”
The challenge in the day-to-day experience of a long-term relationship is that the gap can disappear. “Your partner’s accessible. They’re there,” says O’Hara. Keeping sex and sexiness alive is about not letting so much of life come between you that you lose that primal vitality.
“It’s about recreating the magic. You have to create that space for desire — date night, the treat, the luxury — the kind of ‘needing to connect’ that happens when your partner’s away for a week and you miss them.”
Power Smith says — in terms of male-female relationships — we’re living in very confusing times about gender roles.
“For the first time ever we’re trying to negotiate egalitarian relationships.”
Suzi Godson, author and Feelgood sex columnist, says trying to work out how to negotiate fairness and change is not very sexy.
“It’s a bit of a learning curve — how can women work, have kids, make money and be independent? How can men feel empowered, useful and valued? With all the negotiating of that, sex is suffering.”
Godson sees what she calls “our overwhelmingly high expectations of marriage” as putting a damper on sex. “We expect our partner to be our co-parent, confidante, lover, best friend and the person who cleans the house with us. Marriage is so loaded.
“As communities, we’ve become so disparate. As families we’ve become more insular. There’s enormous pressure on couples who are channelling everything into each other. There’s an element of over-exposure.”
Yet, says Godson, sex thrives on difference, on polarity. “There’s a lot of evidence that men have a higher sex drive than women, though many women have sex drives as high as men. If you think of one person pursuing and the other yielding, there’s a tension — that polarity, that push and pull is what keeps sex alive.”
When it comes to love and marriage, some people are realists and some are romantics, says O’Hara. The romantic believes they could never live life without passion. They value intensity over stability.
“They never give up the notion of true love and look for a partner with whom they believe the desire will never fizzle out. Inevitably, desire wanes — they equate that with the end of love.”
The realist looks for enduring love rather than hot sex. “Hot sex is edgy, dangerous — it causes people to do crazy things. For the realist, initial excitement matures into deep love and respect for their partner. The relationship becomes supportive, companionable.”
Power Smith believes there are few long-term relationships where sex does not get boring or become a chore. “Sexual desire wanes because we’re organic creatures — we’re not the same in any way throughout our lives. Sustaining an interesting, satisfying sex life beyond two years takes some work.”
But, she says, it can be “deepened and developed” if the couple wants that.
Dr Lisa Brinkmann, a psychotherapist specialising in sexual and gender-related concerns and a member of the German Society for Sex Research, suggests another reason why there mightn’t be much sex in a very compatible marriage of equals. Aside from being a primal urge, she says sexuality in a loving relationship has many functions, such as being “emotional glue”.
“In a relationship where the couple are very synchronised, where they do many things together, there is so much validation that they love each other that sex doesn’t have as much priority in making them feel connected. They get a lot of connectedness in other areas of their life.”
Whereas for the couple without too many shared interests, a high rate of sex reassures them that they are bonded. “Sex every night when they get to the bedroom is their way of connecting.”
Brinkmann points to the sexual paradox of modern society. “We live in a time when sex is everywhere. We’re over-sexualised. Yet the challenge for many is to have really good sex, where both partners can meet each other and absolutely let go in that intimate closeness — where they feel uninhibited by shame, embarrassment or any concern about their body or how they look.”
Sexual attraction can grow. Power Smith points to the many instances where couples are friends first — feeling no sexual frisson at all — and then one day they realise they’re attracted as lovers. So, she says, friendship doesn’t preclude great sex.
For Anne Mathews, “sex for women starts over the morning cornflakes” — emotional intimacy is important for women to have good sex.
Brinkmann agrees. “The safer a woman feels, the more able she is to touch into her lust, to enjoy ecstatic sex.”
And for men good sex is more likely if he just knows he’s doing well. With men, says Lisa O’Hara, the three As are important — he’ll want to connect with his partner if he knows she “appreciates, acknowledges and adores him”.
So, if things have slowed down in the bedroom, don’t despair. Reigniting the fire might be as simple as making each other feel safe and appreciated. And it mightn’t hurt to ask him to put out the bins.
¦ A woman should start with herself, says Dr Lisa Brinkmann. “Explore your own sexual identity through self-pleasuring. Explore your fantasies and desires. That can re-light a sexual fire and energy, which can be brought into the bedroom with your partner.”
¦ One partner is only 50% responsible for bad sex, says Emily Power Smith. “Be authentic. Be honest in a kind way. Stop faking orgasms. Stop protecting your partner’s ego. Start talking. Ask — focus on what your partner wants, not on what you think they want. Sex becomes very isolating when each is focused on what they think the other wants.”
¦ Use lubrication. “A lot of people attempt sex before the female partner is ready. She may not be lubricating due to hormones,” says Power Smith.
¦ Maintain a certain rate of frequency, advises Suzi Godson. “If you don’t have sex for six months, it’s really hard to resume. It becomes awkward and embarrassing. Even if you’re not in the mood, once you get into it that all changes and because it makes you feel so good, you realise why it’s such a good idea — for the dopamine release and the bonding.”
¦ Make a determined effort to sex things up, recommends Power Smith. “Women enjoy all sorts of foreplay. They need to be turned on in their minds through the week. Share naughty conversation. Talk sexy. Reawaken the idea of yourself and your partner as sexual beings. Remember what used to turn you on.”
¦ Power Smith also advises broadening our idea of sex so that we can feel sexier. “You can feel sexually connected to your partner through a look, a touch, a cuddle, or falling asleep naked holding each other.”
¦ Power Smith recommends reading two books by Dr David Schnarch: Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionising Your Relationship; Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship.
CONNECT WITH US TODAY
Be the first to know the latest news and updates
