Don’t go to pot with kids

Toilet training children should not be an ordeal, says Helen O’Callaghan.

HE wees in the toilet but he won’t do a poo’ or ‘we haven’t had a dry night yet’ — just some of the toilet-training conundrums presented by worried mums and dads to Helen Sholdice, parent-child coach.

Sholdice is adamant that the key to toilet-training is for parents to understand the value to the child of being able to spring themselves free from a nappy. If parents approach it in this way, they do so with a loving heart. “The child takes great pleasure in mastering use of the toilet. It’s a very big step on the road to independence. It enhances the child and strengthens his ego,” she says.

Toilet training tends to break down if the parent comes at it in an anxious frame of mind.

“The child picks up that the parent feels they can’t manage this. Parents fall into a trap when, having taken the nappy off the child, the child has an accident and the parent puts the nappy back on, saying ‘you can’t manage this, not yet anyway’, so the child gets a confused message.”

Sholdice discourages use of treats in toilet-training, saying they distract the child from the real task.

“They want the treat but they’re not listening to their own bodies. They have to know when to release and when to hold on.”

Putting pressure on the child to go to the toilet is a no-no.

“This is very personal, private stuff — parents must remember it’s not their body but the child’s,” says Sholdice, who encourages projective play if children are struggling.

“Their favourite teddy can have his own little potty. Whenever the child needs to go to the toilet, he can bring teddy and he can go too. The parent isn’t telling the child to go — with the teddy, the child is now the little parent. The child is controlling his own bladder and bowel movements.”

Reading stories such as Who’s In The Loo by Jeanne Willis or Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi can also be helpful.

“Read the story and leave it at that — don’t drive home the point that the child has to be able to go to the toilet now. Stories enable us to live through others’ experience,” says Sholdice, who recommends reading the stories just before bedtime.

TIPS

¦ Be aware of how you feel about toilet-training. As a child, how was it for you? If there was a sense of shame, beware visiting this on your child.

¦ Keep in mind the value to your child of mastering an aspect of themselves, vital to healthy development.

¦ Convey by tone and attitude your faith in your child’s ability.

¦ Don’t make your child go the toilet when you want them to go. Resist imposing your will – let your child take the initiative.