Working it out with granny

YOUR mother-in-law says you should crack down more on your kids’ bold behaviour.

Your own mother thinks you let the kids stay up too late and you’re a bit lax about their table manners. What do you do when you clash with your children’s grandparents about how you’re raising them?

A 2011 study found nearly half of older Irish people are providing care to grandchildren.

It can work out really well, says Parentline chief executive Rita O’Reilly — the great advantage for parents is they’ve found a trusted minder for their children; the benefit for grandparents is guaranteed regular access to grandchildren. But conflict does happen and, in fact, is very common, says O’Reilly.

“Callers to Parentline say: ‘My mother thinks my parenting skills are not good’ or ‘my son isn’t parenting the way I’d like’. Grandparents can feel parents are over or under-disciplining. They tell parents ‘a slap never did you any harm’ or ‘I’d have insisted he stay at table until the meal’s over’. It’s done out of love, interest and concern but parents see it as criticism and interfering too much.”

While grandparents were once in a parenting role with their own children, they must let go of that, counsels O’Reilly.

“Grandparents must remember they’re not parents of the grandchildren. They might have a view but they’ll often have to button their lips. Issues like what the child wears, what school they go to, what food they eat, the child’s friends — they’re all parental decisions.

“Grandparents should aim for discussion and negotiation [especially if in childminding role] rather than instructing. If there’s a good relationship, a grandparent might say ‘I saw Amy playing with her little friend today – they got on well or I’m not sure they suit each other’.”

Grandparents can feel dumped on, says O’Reilly. “They may feel they’re being asked to mind grandchildren too much and getting little understanding of what that involves.

“Parents need to remember grandparents have done the parenting role, they may be retired and looking forward to an easier life or they may not have the energy for childminding. If they’re in a childminding role, parents need to check in often to see if the arrangement’s still working well for everyone.”

* Parentline: 1890 927277.