Giving children their freedom

IT is difficult for parents to promote their children’s independence.

Before you can figure out whether your child can make good decisions, you have to clear mental hurdles.

There’s stranger danger, for one — the fear of the man in the white van. “When abductions happen, the media plant the image in parents’ heads in a way that makes it feel like a very real threat, creating an unrealistic sense of danger that, statistically, is completely out of whack,” says family mediator, Fiona McAuslan.

Becoming a parent makes everything appear dangerous — like household tasks, such as cooking, using a knife or a scissors. A third factor is busy households.

“You’re waiting for them to get dressed, thinking ‘I’d better do it myself’ — I’ve got another three jobs to do.”

Yet, a parent’s chief, overarching task is to nurture their child’s development from dependent baby to capable, independent adult. “If you’re always insisting that you’re the parent, your way is the right way and not allowing your child make any choices for themselves, you’re not letting them travel that road,” says McAuslan.

Annemarie Wade, director of www.schooldays.ie, says parents overlook teaching their child to be responsible. “They feel being a good parent means doing everything for them — making school lunches, dropping off forgotten items to school. The younger you start teaching them to be capable and competent, the more they’ll grow into capable, competent children, which boosts self-esteem,” says Wade.

In a British study, of 1,355 parents, conducted by the website, www.MyVoucherCodes.co.uk, the majority believed their child to be independent at age 12 — able to “act responsibly without guidance or superior authority”. The survey cited the top-five things parents would allow their children do from that age. First was staying home alone (58%); followed by looking after younger siblings (53%); and cooking (45%). One-third would allow their 12-year-old go to school on their own; and 29% would let them go to the shop.

Children don’t mature in a controlled way — there’s no age-specific blueprint that they all follow. At what age would you let your child make tea? “A naturally dexterous child will be able to handle a kettle before a less dexterous one,” says McAuslan.

“Independence grows as your child gains interest in things. Their interests are your best guide to what independent skills to let them do, because they want to succeed.”

McAuslan says give children choices when they’re young. “Every time you give your child a choice, the brain grows the ability to decide, to juxtapose freedom and responsibility. From age four, children should be given the chance to make non-critical decisions — ‘Do you want the blue or the pink jumper’?”

When her son insisted on going to school in t-shirt and shorts on a freezing day, she let him. “If I’d said ‘you wear this or else’ I’d have lost the opportunity to teach him that what you want to wear is sometimes different to what you need to wear. Next day, he put on a jumper.”

Primary schoolteachers have told McAuslan they see children shed two years as they walk towards their mums in the playground. “Ask your child’s class teacher what independent skills they’d like to see developed by end of year. Let that be your goal,” McAuslan says.

Joanna Fortune, director of Solamh Parent-Child Relationship Clinic, says parents have done a good job if their child’s pushing for independence. She says compromise is essential. “If your 12-year-old wants to shop alone with her friends in the city centre and you feel uncomfortable about it, suggest driving them to a shopping centre. They can have an hour to walk around the shops, before meeting you at a pre-arranged café for lunch. This tells your child you trust her to shop alone, but you’re holding parental boundaries by stating where and for how long.”

Most experts agree 12 is too young to allow a child to baby-sit younger siblings. “It can be a dilemma, even for a 14-year-old,” says McAuslan. Fortune says a 12-year-old shouldn’t be minding a younger sibling full stop. “They’re still a child themselves. They’re still developing.”

Wade says parents should teach children to dress themselves in junior infants; to make their school lunch at age seven (“make it fun, let them choose healthy options, show them how to do it, avoid criticism — they’ll make mistakes”); and, aged nine, to set their own alarm for getting up in the morning. “It’s about building blocks. The more responsibility you give them, the more responsible they’ll become. They’re much more capable than we give them credit for.”

Micro-managing children’s lives, and not allowing them independence, can cause low self-esteem, says Fortune. “You leave kids quite vulnerable when they’re out with their peers and need to trust their own gut instinct, and make decisions between right and wrong.”

* For a video on helping children to become independent, see: www.schooldays.ie/articles/responsible-child-video.