50 shades of disappointment as Anastasia and Christian chosen

ACTOR Charlie Hunnam says he has tangible chemistry with actress Dakota Johnson. Hopefully.

After the two were named to play billionaire entrepreneur Christian Grey and his submissive girlfriend Anastasia Steele, in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, fans of the book revolted.

52,000 signed a petition begging producers to consider Magic Mike’s Matt Bomer, and Alexis Bledel (Rory from The Gilmore Girls), while others declared a boycott of the movie, which is slated for 2014.

“What a disappointment,” said one fan. “OMFG, I don’t want to be alive anymore,” tweeted another, while a more rational devotee said “50 shades of disappointment.” Amid the online furore, Fifty Shades author, EL James, politely thanked her “supporters, lovers and haters” for their ‘passion’ about who would play Grey and Steele, and Johnson’s mother, actress Melanie Griffith, tweeted in defence of her daughter, with the hashtag #dontmesswithmama.

That was last week.

Johnson’s rise to fame has begun — she was recently photographed climbing out of a window flashing her underwear (on the set of her latest film), while a slew of ‘everything you need to know about Charlie Hunnam’ articles have appeared in print and online.

The hype began 18 months ago, when Universal Pictures announced their intention to turn the best-selling book (70m copies have been sold) into a film.

Fans began creating fake movie trailers (starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, and Bomer and Bledel, as well as Pretty Little Liars’ Lucy Hale and the Vampire Diaries’ Ian Somerhalder), and setting up Twitter accounts canvassing for specific actors and actresses.

Whispers of potential A-list actors appeared online. Twilight’s Robert Pattinson was apparently a favourite with James, Angelina Jolie was rumoured to direct the film, and Emma Watson was touted to play Steele, before she quashed any link between her and the project by tweeting, “Who here actually thinks I would do 50 Shades of Grey as a movie? Like, really. For real. In real life.” Casting sessions must have been difficult, as producers and directors whittled the potential cast down to a few actors who had the chutzpah (and desperation) to audition.

Because, surely, no Hollywood A-lister would touch this soft-porn role with a barge pole? If they had been brave enough, though, who would have been perfect in the roles of ‘the dominant’ and ‘his submissive’, playing out their games in the red room of pain?

Although Johnson has been criticised for being insipid, the actress who plays Steele has to be a milky, watery, helpless kind of woman.

The book tells us that she is a bland, tea-drinking, disorganised, gauche final-year college student who hates being the centre of attention, has been drunk once in her life, is still a virgin at 21, and prefers being curled up at home with a book.

A self-confessed klutz, (she trips into Grey’s office at their first meeting), Steele is also “a total babe”.

Carey Mulligan, Emma Roberts, Rachel McAdams, Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway, or Downton Abbey’s Michelle Dockery (Lady Mary) would be suitably pretty-yet-wishy-washy for the role.

Someone overtly sexual or confident (like Mila Kunis or Megan Fox) simply would not suit the part.

Meanwhile, Christian Grey is “autocratic, cold, wealthy and fascinating.” He is “the epitome of male beauty”, “breathtaking”, “too gloriously good-looking” and “like a male model”. “Michaelangelo’s David has nothing on him,” swoons a smitten Anastasia, biting her lip as she watches him.

So, a pouting Jonathan Rhys Meyers might fit the bill. He certainly has the brooding eyes and the smouldering gaze. Although, at a rumoured 5’ 9’’, Rhys Meyers may be a little short to dominate Anastasia in his playroom. Nothing that a pair of stacked heels wouldn’t fix, though.

Ed Westwick (the scheming Chuck Bass in Gossip Girl) would crack the whip effectively, and male model, David Gandy, (he of the tight, white underpants in the Dolce and Gabbana ‘Light Blue’ advertisements) would fill out the billionaire’s grey pin-striped suit nicely.

Blast-from-the-past Ryan Philippe would indicate his Cruel Intentions to Anastasia effectively, while Christian Slater’s slanted eyes would have darkened and narrowed perfectly whenever Ana doesn’t eat enough at dinner, or begins to bite her lip (which is often).

What a pity he’s not ten years younger. However, my top choice goes to relatively unknown model and actor, Jessie Pavelka, who was touted for the lead role, having been spotted in LA.

But does it matter who is cast? Just like the book, Fifty Shades: The Movie will undoubtedly smash all records at the box-office, as gaggles of women queue to watch this ‘mummy porn’ and discuss it afterwards with strangers at weddings, or stifle giggles discussing the raunchier scenes, while eating a floppy ham sandwich in the staff canteen on a rainy Monday lunchtime.

My aunt recently declared that she had pictured Michael Douglas in the Christian Grey role.

If Fifty Shades is aimed at middle-aged women, how about Brendan Gleeson or Daithi Ó’Se as Grey?

Possible pairings: Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Jennifer Lawrence; David Gandy and Michelle Dockery; Ryan Philippe and Carey Mulligan; Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway; Christian Bale and Zooey Deschanel; Christian Slater and Rachel McAdams.