Be happy with yourself and you will be attractive to others

Q. I’ve just turned 40, am divorced and back on the dating scene.

I haven’t been naked with a woman other than my wife for ten years, and I was fit with an almost washboard stomach when we first met.

It seems that nowadays the standards for a man’s appearance are much higher than when I was last out there. Wherever I look, there are pictures of David Beckham in his boxers or men with waxed, hard chests. Do I need to start on a major exercise regime? I’m very nervous.

A. David Beckham is a physical impossibility. He is chiselled, honed and, let’s face it, in no way representative of the average Irish male. In Ireland, two out of five adults are overweight. and one in four men is obese. And Irishmen rank fourth highest in Europe in terms of being overweight and obese. So frankly, if your BMI is anywhere near normal, you are ahead of the game.

It is somewhat ironic that this unprecedented expansion in male girth has, as you have observed, occurred in tandem with a measurable proliferation in excessively muscular male models. Several studies have documented a notable increase in the “density” and “muscularity” in male models between the early ’70s and the late ’90s. Even action toy figures aimed at young boys have bulked up so much they look like they are on steroids. &

The relationship between muscularity and perceived masculinity is nothing new, but it is no coincidence that a highly exaggerated and largely unattainable male ideal should become ubiquitous at a time when it seems to be increasingly unattainable. Magazines, movies — these media are built on aspiration, and that inevitably means the goalposts are perpetually shifting.

Women have a longstanding history with the hypocrisy of the unachievable body — for example, anthropometry suggests the probability for Barbie’s body shape is less than one in 100,000. Men, however, are relative newbies to this psychological pressure and, when asked to pick the male body type they think females would prefer, most young men choose a body type that carries 30lb (13.6kg) more muscle than the body most women chose as ideal on a man (Olivardia et al, 2004). No wonder anabolic steroid abuse has escalated so rapidly in recent years.

Body fascism is a boring, pointless, depressing trap that only makes people feel rubbish about themselves. Sure, being healthy is important, but the ultimate goal of looking good is to be attractive to others and, in that respect, you are in your dating prime.

By the time a man is in his 30s, there are two women to every man on dating websites and, by the time he hits 50, that ratio has risen to three to one. Despite this, many men focus their interests on younger women. The average 42-year-old male is willing to date a woman who is up to 15 years younger than himself but his maximum upper limit is a woman who is just three years older.

Bearing this in mind, if you are willing to date a woman who is vaguely your own age, statistics suggest you don’t need to be pumped, or waxed, or even nervous. You just need to be realistic.

As for your nervousness, getting naked with a new partner is always nerve-racking. However, remember that people who decide to have sex with each other generally do so because they find each other attractive, and concerns with body image are so common, you won’t be the only one feeling nervous.

* Please email your questions to: [e-mail]