Patience needed to resolve issue of premature ejaculation

Q. I’m getting married next year — we’ve the church, hotel and honeymoon booked.

All our family and friends are delighted. I know I should be looking forward to the big day, but I am worried about committing myself to a man who suffers from premature ejaculation. Sex with him is rarely satisfying. However, there is a deep love between us and we have great fun together. Do I resign myself to a poor sex life or is there something I can do about it?

A. A deeply satisfying sexual relationship often takes years to achieve. Premature ejaculation is a common difficulty and there is plenty that can be done to help resolve it.

At a physical level, the man gets excited too quickly. Ejaculation is a reflex and is triggered by sexual excitement. It is this excitement that needs to be managed to prolong the duration of intercourse.

The deep love and a shared sense of fun between you both is of core importance. The first step you both need to take is to discuss is your sexual relationship. This should be open and without blame. Since coming too soon affects both of you, then taking a couple approach is best way forward to solving it. It is not about decreasing sexual excitement. It is about understanding the depth of feeling in the penis and developing an awareness of sensation in the body. You both have to let go frustration and shame. You need to remember he can no more will himself to maintain an erection for longer than he can will himself to stop a determined sneeze.

The starting point is to become aware of the sensations in his body not just his penis. Great emphasis must be placed on the need for him to touch you from head to toe. But, he must first clear his mind of all thoughts and stay with the sensation. It is important to let his body completely relax.

You could do the same to him. He needs to be able to experience the sensual feelings in his body, including the penis. There is no quick fix and it takes time.

Put penetration and intercourse on hold. Both of you will learn from sensual touch with no pressure to perform. Relaxation is key. If he is breathing quickly up in the chest then he may be anxious about climaxing. Breathing deep into the stomach is the aim. Also, avoid tensing the buttocks, and focus instead on relaxing.

After becoming comfortable with sensual touch, he needs to learn to recognise the point of no return. This can be learnt by touching exercises stimulating the penis. He stops as soon as he is aware that he will climax. This takes practice and when he feels comfortable of his awareness, then you could start the touching.

You both need to learn sexual awareness and patience. You can’t rush through this process.

Don’t worry about the erections, you are working towards the capacity to tolerate more sensation. Eventually as he becomes more aware of the feelings, he will start to learn his body’s sign that orgasm is on the way.

Moving on to intercourse can be challenging. Again this transition is a shared learning experience for both.

I would urge you to go to a psychosexual therapist to work on such a programme. Doing it by yourselves can be difficult. A good book on the topic is: Coping with Premature Ejaculation by Michael Metz & Barry McCarthy (2003) New Harbinger Publications.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Mind and Body Works. Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com