I’m dating and feel like a prude whenever I say no to sex

Q. I am a divorced mum with one child and back on the dating scene.

Most of the men I meet are upfront about what they want: sex. I never had a particularly high libido and feel like a prude whenever I say no. At the rate I’m going, I’m afraid I’ll end up single. What should I do?

A. Divorced men and women often feel awkward when they start out dating again. The thought of having sex with a new partner can be scary.

Many things can influence how we feel about sex. A low libido can be an on-going problem or it can be situational.

We pick up views on sex that go back to childhood. If there are negative messages about sex, conscious and unconscious, then there may be low desire. Maybe you were looking for the perfect marriage. Perhaps the sex was disappointing as time went on. If the focus is only on the partner’s pleasure then your sexual self is left out of the picture.

I wonder how you feel about yourself as a woman? Do you respect your body? Do you like your body? Many women spend a lot of time trying to be different and don’t like how they look. There is a constant mantra about losing weight: ‘If I weigh such and such then I will be desirable and have great sex’. But all this is a myth. What matters is how you feel inside.

Getting to know your body is important. Don’t constantly focus on the shortcomings. Being fat or thin will not shut down your ability to experience sexual feelings and pleasure unless you make that decision.

In your marriage did you ever allow yourself to think about what you liked sexually? Maybe sex was about his pleasure and orgasm rather than anything you may have enjoyed. Sex can become routine and some find it boring and want the encounter to be over quickly. If this was your experience then this will have an impact on how you feel about sex with a new date. Holding on to old attitudes can create a destructive inner dialogue. Also you may be giving negative vibes.

You are divorced with a child. After a divorce self-esteem gets knocked. You are not alone about casual sex. For many sex follow on from intimacy and mutual caring. If the truth were known many men are looking for this too.

Being single doesn’t mean you have to ignore your sexual being. This could be a time for you to get to know your body. Explore it, touch it, and learn what gives you pleasure. Become comfortable with who you are sensually and sexually.

As a mother, you will have to think about sex with a new man and how this will be managed. Will it be your place or his? Does the thought of a hotel sound too calculated?

Most importantly you decide when it feels right for you to have sex with someone. Don’t force yourself. Enjoy doing things and go on dates. Remember there is no rule saying a date must end in sex.

* Marie Daly is a Psychosexual Therapist with Mind and Body Works. Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com

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