Don’t leave your husband yet. Try being realistic, open and creative

Q. I am married for almost two years but I find our sex life dull and unexciting.

I have given him a few hints but nothing has changed. He is a man of habit and this extends to our sex life. There are times I want to scream with sheer frustration. Increasingly, I am fantasising about having passionate sex with other men. Should I cut my losses and leave my husband before we start a family?

A. When you first fell in love, sex was probably exciting and passionate. More than likely, you were totally absorbed with each other and everything flowed from there.

At the start of a relationship, there is usually great physical attraction and arousal. You see only your partner’s strong points. Sex is frequent and the passion is intense. Life is wonderful. But, eventually reality kicks in.

It is not unusual for couples to experience a decrease in the strong passionate feelings a few years into the marriage. A partner’s strong points aren’t as obvious as before. Sex is not as important. The sense of urgency changes. When two people feel secure, other things, like career and friends can demand attention. The previous passion seems to diminish.

You say you are bored and frustrated with your husband who has developed a predictable sex routine. He has not even become aware of your hints. This I believe is where the core problem lies: you want him to change. But how about you being the one to change? You could do this by running away but it’s probably not the best solution and would cause a lot of pain and hurt.

I say this because you have given no indication that the rest of your marriage is in trouble.

So let’s see what you can do to improve matters. First, think about your expectations. If you expect sex to be mind-blowing every time then you are not in the real world. There will be times when everything seems right and there is an exciting and passionate encounter. Other times, it may be quieter but you can feel incredibly close. Some days you may climax and other days it may not happen.

If sex is approached with some realism then there isn’t pressure to perform as if we had to win a medal. Sex is not a competition where you pass or fail. But it must be meaningful for you and your partner. With the right attitude that you both like to pleasure and get pleasure and are happy in your bodies, you can open up as a team to the pleasure of sex.

I wonder have you thought of seducing him, letting him know that you really want him? Inject some mystery. Be open to fun, playfulness and be able to laugh.

Start talking about sex with him. Suggest dates and ways of getting out of the rut. Assure him of your love. Make time for each other where you connect first. Initiate sex — this can be spur of the moment or planned.

You mention fantasy. This can heighten the excitement. Erotic thoughts will increase pleasure. Fantasy is normal, as long as you know that they are not wishes. They are just thoughts that heighten arousal.

Don’t leave your husband yet. But do open up and try and get him on your side and hopefully you will be surprised. Stop the hints and enjoy this intimate part of your lives.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Mind and Body Works.Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com

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