I don’t want to tell him I’ve been faking orgasms for years

Q. I’ve been faking my orgasms for years.

It started when I was in my late teens and didn’t know what to do in bed. I have a steady boyfriend now but have yet to have an orgasm with him. It always seems easier to fake it and get on with things. I’m afraid if I tell him I’ve been lying he’ll drop me.

A. Worrying about achieving or not achieving an orgasm is a sure fire way to stop it from happening.

It seems you have an expectation that you should orgasm every time you make love. The problem here is that you are feeling an external pressure to achieve orgasm.

It is easy to buy into the myth that if a woman doesn’t orgasm then there is no real pleasure. Many who are orgasmic don’t expect to orgasm every time they make love. They look to enjoy the experience and to connect emotionally with their partner.

Oxytocin, a hormone produced during sexual arousal, leaves a woman feeling warm and comfortable and loved after sex. She does not have to reach an orgasm to feel this way.

Be careful not to buy into another myth that women care more about closeness and to be cuddled than have an orgasm. This isn’t true either. It is about balance.

Good sex is not all about physical reactions. Start by thinking about the intimate relationship you have with your own body. This is about your history and how comfortable you feel in your own skin. I wonder do you understand what happens in your body when you are sexual either with yourself or with a partner?

There are many things to think about. The first is about your arousal and ability to lubricate. If you understand your body you will know what works. This can include things like a romantic setting as well as stimulation.

Most people need to connect before having sex. As I have said in this column before, sex begins at breakfast!

Spending plenty of time on sensual touch helps towards arousal. If you are thinking about what will happen next, then you are not in the moment. Anxiety is a great way to shut down the pleasurable feelings. And if you fear losing control when you let go you will inhibit the orgasm.

Your biggest issue is that you have bought into the pressure that you must orgasm. Perhaps there is also the belief that it’s his role to ‘give’ you an orgasm. Many men hold this as a truth. But look at things the other way round — you don’t ‘give’ him an erection.

Having or not having an orgasm is nothing to do with how much you love your boyfriend. If he loves you he is not going to leave because of your orgasm. If he does is he worth holding onto?

I suggest you see a sex therapist. You would gain mostly for yourself but also for the relationship.

* Marie Daly is a Psychosexual Therapist with Mind and Body Works. www.mindandbodyworks.com.

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