They say it best when they say nothing at all
Whether it’s intentional and subsequently regretted, or just something picked up by a rogue microphone, we’ve all done it. Some have survived, others, like our first example, have perished on the rocks of their own verbosity…
UK bargain jeweller, Gerald Ratner, made the following, career-defining statement about his business in 1991.
“We do cut-glass sherry decanters with six glasses on a silver-plated tray… for £4.95. People say, ‘How can you sell this for such a low price?’ I say, because it’s total crap.”
There was an audible gasp among the UK’s newlyweds. If that wasn’t bad enough, he also said his stores’ earrings were “cheaper than an M&S prawn sandwich — but probably wouldn’t last as long”.
The speech wiped £500m from the value of Ratners jewellers. And the smile from his face.
Asked to describe the target market for Topman, the firm’s brand director, David Shepherd, replied: “Hooligans… or whatever.” Warming to his theme, he explained, “Very few of our customers have to wear suits for work. They’ll be for his first interview or … first court case.”
In 1984, Ronald Reagan nearly caused a nuclear war with The Scariest Sound Check Ever. Preparing to make his weekly radio address, he said into the mic: “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” The Soviet Far East Army didn’t get the joke and was placed on alert after word of the statement got out. Not funny.
‘Hot’ microphones magnetically attract gaffes. (It’s scientifically proven.) In 2008, an angry Rev Jesse Jackson was overheard proposing a singular operation on President Obama. “I’d like to cut his nuts out,” he said. Speaking of nuts, Vladimir Putin has also had mic trouble. In 2006 he was overheard joking about the virility of his Israeli counterpart, Moshe Katsav. “He’s a mighty man,” he said, “we all envy him.” Katsav was facing trial on multiple sex assault charges.
No such thing. Let’s move on…
No celebration of gaffes would be complete without a few from Prince Philip. Here’s a selection for your delectation…
‘Do you still throw spears at each other?’ — To Aboriginal leader William Brin in Queensland, 2002.
‘Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.’ — At the height of the 1981 recession.
‘You look like you’re ready for bed!’ — To the president of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes.
‘How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?’ — To a Scottish driving instructor.
‘If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes.’ — To a British student visiting China.
Just before Korea’s Psy was due to perform at a concert for Barack Obama, footage was discovered of him rapping about the Iraq war. He called for US soldiers and their “daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers” to be killed “slowly and painfully”.
Possibly strapped to a chair, listening to his records.
Homophobia, racism, sexism… You ban it, Mel Gibson’s done it.
His most infamous outburst occurred in 2006 when he was stopped for drink driving. “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” he raged to the arresting officer.
He also called the cop’s partner “sugar tits”. She may have just finished eating a donut. You know the mess they make.
Sharon Stone is best known for flashing her lady bits in Basic Instinct. She was talking from the same region when she suggested an earthquake in China that killed 67,000, was “bad karma” over Chinese treatment of Tibetans. As a result, a Chinese cinema chain said it wouldn’t screen any more of her movies. Not that anybody noticed. When was the last time you watched a Sharon Stone movie?
Supermodels are not famous for being generously over-endowed with brains. Or kitchen skills.
Naomi Campbell put her national cuisine on the map when she said: “I love England, especially the food. There’s nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.”
Big Bro star, Jade Goody, was rubbish at geography too. She once asked an interviewer: “Rio de Janeiro? Isn’t he a footballer?”
Silvio Berlusconi is as classy as a Ratner’s sherry set. In 2006, he was asked about marital fidelity and replied: “I am pretty often faithful”. His lucky wife. He also described Angela Merkel as “un****able”. Merkel was probably relieved to hear it.
Russell Crowe angered many Jews when he tweeted about the “barbaric” ancient tradition of circumcision. He told his “Jewish friends” that he loved them and “the apples and the honey and the funny little hats” … “but stop cutting your babies”.
Crowe, like circumcision, is a severe pain in the knob.
Rapper 50 Cent is to comedy what haemorrhoids are to jump jockeys. His gags about the Japanese tsunami landed him in troubled water. They included the hilarious “having to evacuate all my hoes from LA, Hawaii and Japan”. He later admitted that some of his tweets are ‘ignorant’. 50 Cent? He’s not the full shilling.
Mary J Blige should change her name to Mary J ‘Bilge’. The singer stupidly tweeted: “Being a hater causes cancer, seriously! I’m saying this because I love you”. She later apologised “for offending anyone with cancer :- (I love guys so much sincerily [sic] and would never do anything to hurt you!” Hurt patients? Isn’t that James Reilly’s job?
We haven’t included Sarah Palin (Or George Dubya) as her gaffes are too well-known. Instead, here’s our own Palin, minister Mary Coughlan. In 2009, she raised eyebrows when she called the Green Party “na Glasraí” in an Irish radio interview, instead of “An Comhaontas Glas”. The phrase “na glasraí” means “the vegetables”. Actually, maybe it wasn’t a gaffe.
Does anybody really like Madonna? Are grannies in leotards ever cool? Madge showed her true colours at the 2011 Venice Film Festival when a fan handed her a bunch of flowers. Madonna’s response? She was overheard saying “I absolutely loathe hydrangeas”.
Britney Spears wasn’t on top of her game when she was asked how she felt about the death of fellow ‘Mouseketeer’, Annette Funicello. The pop star responded, “I think that’s great.”
Ted Lowe was the voice of snooker in its golden age. His most famous quote is “and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.”
My own favourite is this one. Veteran Fred Davis was struggling to rest his leg on the table while going for a long shot. Ted said: “Fred is getting on a bit and is having trouble getting his leg over.” Cue joke about ‘balls in pockets’ etc.
It’s hard to better this classic from Larry Gogan’s Just-a-Minute Quiz.
Larry: “Complete the following well-known phrase: ‘As happy as ...’.”
Contestant: “Errr.”
Larry: “Think of me… ‘As happy as ...’”
Contestant: “A pig in shite?”
A classic headline from the Evening Herald on another shooting in the North:
Unfortunately, the top line was above the paper’s fold.
And finally…
UK radio star, Christian O’Connell, committed one of the worst on-air gaffes of all time. Ever. A caller to his show had “a weird voice that sounded like a man’s, yet she was a woman”. Finding this interesting or amusing, he proceeded to ask her about it.
Christian: “You have a curious voice.”
Listener: “Yeah, I get that all the time. I had an operation for throat cancer.”
In the words of humorist Sam Levenson: “It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
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