Good standard of cleanliness is essential for relationship

Q. My boyfriend of ten months is not good on personal hygiene.

He showers about twice a week and even then doesn’t seem to use soap. I’ve also noticed that he never washes his hands after using the toilet. He is a relaxed, funny guy and I love him but I find the strong body odour very off-putting — particularly when it comes to sex. How can I tackle the subject without hurting his feelings?

A. Personal hygiene is important for lots of reasons. This includes for social reasons like being with other people. If you are in a relationship you are sharing a living space. In the context of an intimate loved one, it is not just sharing in an apartment or a house, it is important as you share a bed as well. Sex is about sharing our body with someone else. If there is a turn off it could spell the end of the relationship.

Having a good standard of cleanliness is a must for maintaining health. It prevents the spread of infection and disease. But also it stops body odour developing and if this is not checked he may lose friends and people will avoid him. In past times there was no such thing as the daily shower. But, even without, those who looked after personal cleanliness managed with water and soap to keep themselves clean. It is just that it has got so much easier now. All it takes for a man or a women is a five minute shower, soap, deodorant and a toothbrush to be clean and smell nice. Also we must remember that washing hands after using the toilet is an absolute must.

You must address this or it will eat away at you. Think of it in terms of yourself. If there was something about you that really upset him, but you didn’t know. How would you like him to look at it with you? I always think of mutual respect. I take it that as you love him and find him relaxing and fun to be with that you do respect him. You have to come to it that it is the cleanliness habit that upsets you.

Don’t be personal by saying things like ’you don’t ever wash enough! You must approach it from your viewpoint, saying how difficult it is to raise this issue. Keep it in the present talking about how it affects you. Keep using the ‘I’ word. Something like ‘I find I am not as tuned as I would like because I find that there is a body odour, probably from the day’s work’.

* Marie Daly is a Psychosexual Therapist with Mind and Body Works. Visit www.mindandbodyworks.comPlease send your questions to [e-mail]